I have noticed many times when people are telling me how they are doing, they drift into what I refer to as Ghost Stories.
These are hauntings, the way most of them are told. We tell the stories so easily it is hard to see that we are stuck inside of a ghost story of our own telling.
For instance, I had a ghost story I was telling about one of my dogs that she was suffering under my care. I was certain that my busy schedule was not allowing her to have the time she needs to learn to be a relaxed companion dog. (Ghost story, but I did not recognize it!) And I was fretting about it. When I spoke with an experienced trainer, she told me she was probably born to be a performance dog and does not do relaxed! What she recommended was 3-minute training sessions teaching her tricks and games each night right before bed. That has worked like a charm. She is now the same bouncy dog but I am more light-hearted about it and she really looks forward to our nightly game play. The ghost story is gone, and I am more relaxed. (She gets a 2-plus mile walk 6 days a week with her pack!) Ghost stories are stories about the past or worries about the future. Mavis Karns in It’s That Simple, wrote:
“Worry is the learned habit of frightening ourselves with our own imagination.”
Who do you know who tells a story about their past or future that does not bring a warm feeling with it? I spoke with someone yesterday in the throws of a relationship breakup. She had so many stories about her former partner, and she also thought there was something wrong with her. When we let the emotion pass through, which it is designed to do, what we began to see was if the story were told neutrally, there was insight available. Nothing wrong with either of them, other than they temporarily lost their minds with each other. And it is a relationship that might need to be complete. Catching the ghost story allows us to recover more quickly, and to see what is the true nature of things.
Kids are masters at imagination. They invent realities all the time, and then live inside of them. I distinctly remember weaving tales in my bedroom as a child, enjoying my ability to create the feeling I wanted my plastic horses and I to have in the adventure I invented for us. The problem with imagination is sometimes we forget we made it all up! The delightful vignette below, from the book, Being Human, by Amy Johnson, is one of my favorites.
“WILLOW AND BUDDHA”
My girl Willow has the most active imagination of anyone I’ve ever met. She’s three, by the way.
She will make up scenarios with details that would blow your mind. I have no clue where she gets this stuff.
She’s not only great at crafting stories, she also has the incredible ability to set aside reality and dive into her tales as if they were absolutely true.
This morning she was on my bed; Buddha, our Zen-like, seven-pound Yorkie was lying on the floor.
I asked Willow to jump off the bed and follow me downstairs for breakfast. She looked at Buddha and in a very dramatic, damsel-in-distress voice, said,” But I’m scared of Buddha, she’s going to get me! Nooo, Buddha, nooo!”
(Buddha, not amused, looked at me as if to say, “This again? Am I supposed to growl and nip at her feet or can I go back to sleep?”)
I suggested to Willow that she hop in her hot air balloon and float over Buddha to get downstairs safely. (She often travels by hot air balloon.) Then I went downstairs and left her to figure it out.
Five minutes later I was downstairs and Willow wasn’t. She was crying on the bed.
“Come down!”
“I can’t. I’m afraid of Buddha!” she cried, sounding honestly afraid.
She wasn’t playing anymore. Or, more accurately, she forgot she was playing. She made up a story in her head and was so immersed in it that she forgot she invented it.
I went up to get her. Her face was soaked with real tears and she looked terrified. Of a sleepy seven-pound dog named Buddha.
I reminded her that she was only playing a game where she pretended to be afraid of Buddha. That she wasn’t really afraid. After a few moments, her face lit up and a huge smile appeared.
I said, “You forgot that you were playing a make-believe game, didn’t you?” She laughed and said, “I’m silly!”
She is silly, but she is also a lot like you and me. She gets so wrapped up in her own thinking that she forgets that she is the one who invented it.
My Favorite Question
Many years ago, I heard a quote that I have had swirling in my head ever since. It is from Albert Einstein;
“The most important question facing humanity is,
“Is the Universe a friendly place?”
I suddenly realized that if I answered no, I would have one experience of life. If I answered yes, I would have another. And I could not stop thinking about that. What does that even mean, that the Universe could be friendly or not? I began to ponder this, and watch myself and others as we navigated our way through life. There were times when I was certain that I needed to protect myself, that I was a small cog in something so big I felt insignificant. At other times, I could tell there was something vastly larger than I was, that consisted of energy, and that was up to something benevolent. And I always relaxed when I saw that.
The thing is, we may not be able to comprehend what the Universe is working on that is FOR us right away. It may be that we will only see in hindsight what something was for. For instance, in my recovery from rib and vertebrae fractures, it is beginning to dawn on me that this downtime that I am so frustrated by is teaching me to adopt a more peaceful pace, one that allows me to listen more deeply and open my heart. As I work through the physical Therapy phase, I still catch myself trying to push my therapy so I have quicker results. Then I laugh because I am missing my life as I am hurrying to get somewhere.
When I am more at peace, I’ll be darned if I don’t accomplish more, and enjoy things more. And so I lean into the lesson and find I am more moved, I am more grateful, and I feel held by something that is designed to be a partner of sorts, a non-human partner at that. And when something rocks me, I find it so helpful to consider that one day I might see what this is happening FOR, and I could start looking for that right away. That diminishes the time I spend fretting about how things “shouldn’t be this way.”
Try it! I’m not saying we want all the circumstances that come our way. However, what if we adopted a sense that our non-human partner is trying to show us something??? I find I am much more resilient when I head this direction.
Reflections in a Pool of Circumstances
Life sometimes orchestrates a full stop in life. We saw this during the pandemic where literally the whole world paused to see how to navigate the Corona Virus. We sometimes have times in our own life that require a full stop to recover from. And sometimes, if we are lucky, we can tell it is time to stop and reflect during these times to see what life is trying to call attention to.
I’ve had an ocean of circumstances in the last five months! I had fractures in my vertebrae and spine (from coughing), my beloved dog Schuyler had foot surgery to remove a growth, our old car finally reached her useful end, I had a tooth extraction, and my dear friend is moving out of state!
What has allowed me to find peace of mind during all of this is the question I chose to reflect on. “I wonder what new direction is required now?” As I thought about that question, I knew immediately it was about finding a new way to work, one that allowed me to enjoy more time with my husband and dogs while allowing me to still work.
I’ve known this was ‘up’ for almost a year. But I did not find the time to address it. So, Life did!
During my recovery from all of this (which is almost complete. Just PT to finish it all off!), I noticed I could be upset, frightened, in scarcity, and frustrated, or I could try a new perspective since this was not going to be a short recovery. As I contemplated having compassion for myself (and my husband), I noticed there was less pain when I experienced that compassion. And I noticed the halt to recovery was nice! The meditative sense of not rushing, the time to invent and create, the closeness of friends and family…was what I was after! Too bad it took a physical circumstance to achieve that.
As I re-enter the activities of life, I see how compelled I am to ‘go back to the way things were’, which almost immediately has me in pain again. I often see this with clients who are out of work for longer than they wish, then when they do find work, they go back to how they used to work, and immediately know that old way is no longer viable. And what sets in is confusion. And a requirement to reflect.
So, I am learning to love the new slower pace, and the time to explore where the world wants me, not where I want to be. I am reminded that life is Love, and when we don’t experience Love, we are probably driving ourselves and/or judging others.
And finally, my Schuyler has been my best role model during my recovery. She had to be crated with a cone on her head for almost a month, and had to have a bag on her foot when she did go outside. Further along in her recovery, she also had to have her foot soaked for 10 minutes, twice a day. As I watched her, I noticed she did not complain. She just thought things were new and odd, and she almost immediately got to work figuring out how to have fun in THESE circumstances! I appreciate her approach and have adopted that as my practice as well.
Try it on! And remember, all the circumstances in life are ultimately designed for us to learn how to live our best life. So, reflect, give it time, and see what shows up!
The Micro-Practice of Focus
Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.
– Greg Anderson
I heard an interesting news story today that caught my attention due to its creativity and simplicity. Tinnitus, or ringing in the ear, is the perception of sound that does not have an external source, so that other people cannot hear it. Tinnitus is commonly described as a ringing sound, but some people hear other types of sounds, such as roaring or buzzing. This can interfere with a person’s ability to concentrate, and to relax.
What was discovered last year is that the brain seems to be focusing on the internal sound, blocking out all other noises as distractions. This is the central focal point and, as such, does not allow a redirection to other tasks or sounds. What is genius is that a device was invented to allow the brain, through mild, painless electrical stimulation, to learn to focus on the tongue that is experiencing mild stimulation, thus breaking the cycle of focus the brain seems stuck inside of. Over a period of months, many people can now focus normally, and have regained their ability to relax and enjoy life.
So, why bring this up? Because human beings sometimes forget that focus acts like a muscle, and too much focus on one thing can cause it to weaken in focusing on other things. Think about that thing you worry about. Am I being productive right now? Will I have enough…..for the future? Will I ever be able to relax? Why is life always…..? Will I ever find work I like that pays well? Those are like doing pushups as we focus on them repeatedly. And the result is a constant barrage of stress hormones being released into the body, which lowers our mood and prevents us from hearing anything creative or new.
What if we take up micro-practices? When you catch yourself spinning about something, try refocusing. Do your children make your heart swell? Do you have a favorite piece of music you can bring to mind? Can you look out a window and search for the first beautiful thing you see? These are all tiny, micro-practices that remind the brain to be flexible.
And with more flexibility comes more possibilities. A Win-Win for everyone.
I’ll give you an example, of course, involving my beloved dogs. These terriers have strong minds and hearts. They love to please, but only if it is more fun than what they suddenly see in front of them. For the last five years or so, I’ve been walking 3 dogs together in the morning. I suddenly noticed that one of my younger dogs was becoming increasingly fearful while walking. She would spin, look wild-eyed, scan for cars coming behind her or from a cross street, and she began frothing at the mouth. Yikes. I have never raised a dog that was fearful, and I began trying all the calming things I knew to do, with very little success. I was at my wit’s end when I had an insight that this might not necessarily be fear.
I began walking her by herself to see if I could tell what was going on. She was still all over the place, but would walk on a looser lead, and was remarkably friendly with dogs and people we came across, just like always. Then, because I was on the lookout for something new (micro-practice about my own focus), I realized she was hunting everything that moves. And that she LOVES to chase things. And suddenly, I could see that the issue was how to get her attention back to me, not on something to chase.
I’ve got several appointments set up with positive reinforcement dog behaviorists, and I will let you know how that goes. In the meantime, we are both relieved. She, because Mom’s not sending out anxious energy anymore, and me, because I know that there is a solution out there and that she is having TOO MUCH FUN, not being afraid. Whew!
So, try prying your attention away from that loop you can find yourself in.
30 seconds of refocus is a start. And let me know how it goes!
Listening With The Heart
“If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving, and for once could do nothing,” Pablo Neruda wrote in his gorgeous ode to quietude, “perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves.”
I have had the privilege this week of spending time with two amazing people as they discover their true nature. They are visibly relaxing as they have a new understanding that they each have something they can hear and feel that no one else can. This allows them to understand and know themselves much more deeply.
The thought that we will never understand ourselves haunts most of us, so we anesthetize ourselves by working when we KNOW rest is called for, or by sedating ourselves with narcotics, alcohol, or any of the other things we reach for when we are frightened of being quiet. I remember when I was that way, and to tell the truth, I can fall into that even now in short bursts. The difference is, however, that I have ‘micro-practiced’ living from the superpower of calm often enough that my brain longs for that state, and becomes agitated when I live from distress.
The art of listening seems to be my way to practice. Recently, my beloved older dog, Miracle, has had a behavior change that is stressful for her and us. It is common for her to wake us up once during the night, needing to go out. (She has managed, genetic, kidney issues). However, suddenly she needed to go out 4 times a night, and would not settle down. The second night this occurred, I decided to sit on the couch near her living room apartment/crate and breathe with her, to see if she would settle.
I realized as I was breathing that I was listening to the situation not just with my ears, but with my heart. As she is an old dog (13.5 years old), I am aware of the fact that we will not have her for another 5 years, most likely. So, I know there may be physical changes that can cause her distress. I also know she has gotten some more fearful as she loses her eyesight slowly, as well as her hearing.
As I listened from an open heart, I could begin to ‘hear’ or feel wisdom pointing to things I might pay attention to.
I realized there were no physical symptoms during the day, and her distress sounded and felt like anxiety. I also realized that in the 15 minutes, I sat with her, she had become noticeably more relaxed and was beginning to go through her bedtime routine of cleaning her paws, then settling down and dropping into sleep. And she slept the rest of the night. We now have a protocol in place that has her sleeping closer to us (Not on the bed as it is too high for an old dog to jump up and down from). However, if she can hear us breathing deeply, she can relax.
Why tell this story? Because I notice that when I am willing to create a 15–20-minute pocket of solitude and listen, I am guided to notice things from my heart that give me clues on how to mentor and support my dogs, my clients, my business colleagues, and myself. The key is the quiet mind. Wisdom cannot be heard when we are noisy intellectually.
What if all the clues we need are right in front of us and it only takes us quieting down to hear them? It might be sort of like those missing glasses that you look all over for, only to find them where you first looked. Why couldn’t we see them the first time around? Our frustrated or anxious thinking blocked us from being guided to where they were.
Try this micro-practice and begin to appreciate the true power of listening from the heart. And let me know how it goes!
Ease Up and Fall into Who You Are
“It’s not what we do, it is falling into who we are” – Dicken Bettinger
I remember feeling like if I just understood, I could live well. Understanding would allow me to do the right things, and then I would finally be able to relax. I remember distinctly where I was when I had a sudden, out-of-the-blue insight that life is DESIGNED to be enjoyed. Wait, what?????
I’ve never gotten over that. So, when I recently heard the quote above on a podcast, I almost instantly returned to the feeling of that long-ago insight. And I realize why it is devastatingly tricky for human beings to let go and fall into who we are.
You see, I spent years thinking I did not measure up. With that thinking, why would it ever be a good idea to fall completely into not measuring up? Here’s the thing, though. That feeling of wonder we get from time to time, like recently when a Western Bluebird fluttered not 6 inches from my face, then flew down to my startled dogs, fluttered around them, then landed on the side mirror of a car I was standing next to, and then it was gone, that feeling of being instantly transported home, that is what it feels like to fall into who we are. This notoriously shy bird had connected with us in a very personal way. And I was instantly in a state of no thought, of awe, wonder, and deep love. I had fallen into who I am.
That’s how we tell, by the way, by how it feels. Your intellect can’t orchestrate this happening. It is those startling or mysterious times when we are suddenly dropped into our hearts and out of our heads that we experience the vastness of creation energy. And we long to be there, more and more. But first, try giving up your critiques of yourself. It is way easier to give up criticizing others, and even that seems hard.
Try picking an hour, or day if you are brave, and let go of any thoughts about what is wrong with you. Send them into the wind and let them continue moving through you. Don’t invite them to stay. Rumination is like inviting thoughts to tea. For that brief time, free yourself of negative thinking and see if you can get a glimpse of what falling into who you are feels like. I guarantee it is worth the practice. The feeling is magical, peaceful, exhilarating, and creative, all at once. Who knows? You may be moved by who you are!
Successful New Year Planning
Welcome to the New Year!
We are often so hopeful about the new year. We dream of how it will be even better than the old one and set goals to help that be so. And then, about this time in January, we begin to fade a bit or a lot, regarding our precision with those goals. Why is that? And what is to be done about that?
I once worked with a client who deeply regretted not accomplishing his goal of skiing with his adult son 30 times a year. He was genuinely distressed and hoped we could help him be better at keeping his word to himself regarding his goals. When asked how many times he DID ski with his son, he replied 27. We were surprised, and curious. When we delved deeper, he realized he was measuring the success of the goal by accomplishing it fully, not by registering what experience he was after that had him set the goal in the first place. It turns out he had EXACTLY the experience he wanted to have with his son!
So, why do we set goals at all? It might be to correct a habit, or to accomplish a project. One question I have is, why set that goal in the first place? How would completing that goal impact your life?
I’ve found through the years that what we are almost always after is an EXPERIENCE shift, wanting to feel more abundant, accomplished, peaceful, free…..you name it. The power of aiming at the Experience we are after is much more impactful than accomplishing the goal. Why? Because the accomplishment of the goal does not promise you will have the experience you assume would happen upon achievement of that goal, darn it.
However, if you drill down and ask yourself to list the way you will experience life as you imagine the goal to have already been accomplished, you have a much more powerful stabilizing force for the next 6 – 12 months.
For example, I have several clients who have set goals to be in a new relationship this year. When we drill down to what accomplishing that goal would feel like, it is usually something like Belonging, Peace of Mind, Connection, etc. These are all things we feel in our body; it is not an intellectual thing at all.
When we then take the top three experiences on our list, we can aim every decision in our lives at having MORE of those experiences, not less. For instance, you might choose a movie by asking yourself, will this movie allow me to feel more like I belong, or less? More at peace or less? More connected or less? How about choosing a restaurant? The same questions might have you choose differently and have a much better experience. (I used to LOVE PF Chang’s food. However, wanting the experience of wonderful taste sensations, and relaxation, had me decide to go elsewhere as they were always swamped, and very noisy!)
This approach also takes the pressure off the goals you might still set. If they begin to seem less interesting, it might be that you have not yet figured out how to aim towards them while also having the experience you want to have. That is a great learning point. What if you COULD work differently on the goal? Or what if it was not the right goal at all?
Let me know how it goes. My clients find this approach to be at first confusing, like learning a new language, then they often notice they are experiencing more and more of what they are aimed at, and life is overall more satisfying.
The Illusion of Obligation
Think about it for a moment. Reflect on something you feel you should be doing and have not. Can you feel the tightness in your chest?
Notice how your breathing changes. That physiological change is not good for you, and not good for whomever you are doing the task for. A small but mighty trick of the mind could give you back so much peace of mind, inspiration, and relief, it just might be worth trying.
I was so resentful, and so stressed that I just stood still inside the locked door of my store. I realized that working from obligation (should), and resentment, was going to wear me out, and was not much fun. Yet I could not seem to have my mind settle on any other way to work. So, I decided at that moment that I would do no work in the store that day until I came up with another place to work FROM.
It took me about 10 minutes, and then suddenly I realized those little beings were hungry, thirsty and their containers needed cleaning. And I wanted them to thrive in my store, not suffer. So, I spent the morning making sure they were delighted to be there! They not only got fed, but I had a playful attitude the entire time.
When I opened the store to the public that day, I explained that I was it, and asked for patience. We all had so much fun that day, figuring out how to make it all work. And I’ve never forgotten that day.
What was the trick? Being unwilling to work unless I could find a purpose behind that work. My clients often tell me, yes, but then so much would not get done. Maybe, but when we work from being pulled towards our work, rather than pushed into it, we have so much more energy, and we find new and creative approaches that revolutionize our moods and the work.
Try it and let me know what you find. Here are some places to notice sneaky obligation:
I HAVE to buy just the right gift for that person
If I don’t do this perfectly, something bad will happen.
If I don’t do this, who will?
I was assigned this task. Now what?
In all cases, reflecting on the WHY of these tasks will give you wisdom and insight on how to complete them, or renegotiate them. And your body will thank you for the new sense of wonder and calm that you discover.
Ghost Stories
I have noticed many times when people are telling me how they are doing, they drift into what I refer to as Ghost Stories.
These are hauntings, the way most of them are told. We tell the stories so easily it is hard to see that we are stuck inside of a ghost story of our own telling.
“Worry is the learned habit of frightening ourselves with our own imagination.”
Who do you know who tells a story about their past or future that does not bring a warm feeling with it? I spoke with someone yesterday in the throws of a relationship breakup. She had so many stories about her former partner, and she also thought there was something wrong with her. When we let the emotion pass through, which it is designed to do, what we began to see was if the story were told neutrally, there was insight available. Nothing wrong with either of them, other than they temporarily lost their minds with each other. And it is a relationship that might need to be complete. Catching the ghost story allows us to recover more quickly, and to see what is the true nature of things.
Kids are masters at imagination. They invent realities all the time, and then live inside of them. I distinctly remember weaving tales in my bedroom as a child, enjoying my ability to create the feeling I wanted my plastic horses and I to have in the adventure I invented for us. The problem with imagination is sometimes we forget we made it all up! The delightful vignette below, from the book, Being Human, by Amy Johnson, is one of my favorites.
“WILLOW AND BUDDHA”
My girl Willow has the most active imagination of anyone I’ve ever met. She’s three, by the way.
She will make up scenarios with details that would blow your mind. I have no clue where she gets this stuff.
She’s not only great at crafting stories, she also has the incredible ability to set aside reality and dive into her tales as if they were absolutely true.
This morning she was on my bed; Buddha, our Zen-like, seven-pound Yorkie was lying on the floor.
I asked Willow to jump off the bed and follow me downstairs for breakfast. She looked at Buddha and in a very dramatic, damsel-in-distress voice, said,” But I’m scared of Buddha, she’s going to get me! Nooo, Buddha, nooo!”
(Buddha, not amused, looked at me as if to say, “This again? Am I supposed to growl and nip at her feet or can I go back to sleep?”)
I suggested to Willow that she hop in her hot air balloon and float over Buddha to get downstairs safely. (She often travels by hot air balloon.) Then I went downstairs and left her to figure it out.
Five minutes later I was downstairs and Willow wasn’t. She was crying on the bed.
“Come down!”
“I can’t. I’m afraid of Buddha!” she cried, sounding honestly afraid.
She wasn’t playing anymore. Or, more accurately, she forgot she was playing. She made up a story in her head and was so immersed in it that she forgot she invented it.
I went up to get her. Her face was soaked with real tears and she looked terrified. Of a sleepy seven-pound dog named Buddha.
I reminded her that she was only playing a game where she pretended to be afraid of Buddha. That she wasn’t really afraid. After a few moments, her face lit up and a huge smile appeared.
I said, “You forgot that you were playing a make-believe game, didn’t you?” She laughed and said, “I’m silly!”
She is silly, but she is also a lot like you and me. She gets so wrapped up in her own thinking that she forgets that she is the one who invented it.
The Operating System for Being Human
Have you ever thought about how much we do not know about the operating system on our phone? Occasionally, I randomly discover a new feature of the phone (Like I can measure distances with it. Who knew?) and am delighted. I can streamline my usage of the phone and make wiser choices about how I use it.
The same thing is true for human beings. It turns out there is an ‘operating system’ for being human, just like there is in our phone, or for that matter, all of our technology. And just as for technology, we do not come with a manual either! Yet the relief, fresh thinking, energy, and creativity that is available when we align with any operating system is amazing.
For instance, we are designed to feel what we think about. Think about that for a moment. Something happens, and how we think about it is how we understand it. And how we feel in the moment. Those memories from the past that we talk about? How we talk about those memories makes all the difference to our quality of life. If we tell the story from the point of view that we were victimized, we immediately feel revictimized again. If we tell the same story more neutrally, or from a fresh perspective, we often find we now can see things differently, without changing any of the circumstances.
This recently happened to me. I accidentally found a mass on my old dog Carmel at exactly the same time she seemed to be in some new physical distress. I assumed (thought) that the mass had everything to do with her distress. For 24 hours we were taking her to see what we could do about the mass, and the answers were grim. On my drive to the vet to pick her up from testing, I was distraught about the thought of finally losing my old friend.
Suddenly, I had the thought that maybe the mass and her symptoms had nothing to do with each other. So, on the way home after picking her up, I stopped at her regular vet who could do a urinalysis and we found that the distress was from an infection in her urinary tract, not from the mass. We had another 6 weeks with our almost 15-year-old Carmel, during which time she was pain-free until the last day.
New thinking, new options. That is how the operating system works.
When we align with that operating system, our lives are different than when we innocently interfere with that system, and believe what we think. Any time you are struggling or in distress, consider that the root cause of the distress is not outside of you, but is in how you are thinking about the circumstances. Every time. This is not about changing your thinking, but rather noticing that the operating system is based on how thought works, and we were not taught about how thought works.
Our experience of life comes from the inside out, not the outside in. Changing circumstances seems to be how to have the experience we want to have. (If I just had more money, weighed less, had a partner who loved me, had the right job, boss…it is endless and exhausting.) Rather, can I catch when my thinking is messing with me and let it go by. Thought is always in motion, so letting it go by is easier than it seems. Why it seems to stay around all the time is we keep inviting it to tea!
There is an old Chines proverb that goes something like this:
You can’t control the birds that fly over your head, but you can control which ones nest in your hair.
For this month, notice how much you invite thoughts to stay in your guest room, or come for dinner, and how those thoughts are not necessarily the ones you would choose to have around all the time! Then breathe, and brush them away so new, refreshing and wise thinking can come to stay.
The Power of Neutral Language
I have noticed recently how much I want to label things that upset me.
They are mean. I am a mess. It was not fair. The list could fill an entire single-spaced page! And if I am aware, I can also suddenly feel how my body has tightened up, and how my breathing has become shallower. I might even be clenching my jaw. Yikes!
Often, we know our stories make us feel worse, not better, but we seem powerless to do anything differently for all kinds of reasons. Maybe we feel like we need to get justice. Or maybe we do not want to let them hurt us again. What are some of the other reasons we might hold on to stories like these?
Please take a moment and recall something that recently caused you frustration, anger, or insecurity. Notice how your body feels, and how your mind feels. OK, that is enough of that!
Now, please recall something that recently had you experience awe, or joy, or appreciation. Notice now how your body feels, and how your mind feels. Interesting, right? You have just tapped into how the mind works to help you navigate back to innate well-being, resilience, and creativity. What was the difference? What are you focused on? And yes, it really is that simple.
Why does that work so effortlessly to return you to a nice feeling? Please return to the lovely experience you recalled. You might notice that your heart feels full, or very open. An open heart is our natural state. When we focus on things that are judgmental, our hearts slam shut. And that is like clogging a pipeline to wisdom, creativity, and fresh thinking.
I would like to suggest an exploration. Try telling that judgmental story but with completely neutral language. For instance, if someone says, “People who litter are so selfish,” what is a neutral way to say that, a way that includes all the circumstances that were noticed? It might be something like, wow, I wonder what is going on in their lives that has them so distracted they would drop trash on the ground? Can you feel the difference?
Or when someone says, I was depressed this morning. Upon reflection, when asked, the neutral version was, I was not ready for prime time this morning. Same circumstances, less noisy energy around the words.
What we speak is what we feel.
This is important for several reasons. The first is strictly biological. What we speak is what we feel. The second is, when I label something with venomous words, my poor body has stress hormones dumped into the system that tightens everything up and prepares me for fight or flight. Our world has ramped up opinions so much that we float in a sea of those hormones most of the time. Once we begin to explore describing our life more neutrally, we relax, our hearts open again, and we breathe more deeply, allowing our body to return to homeostasis, giving us access to wise choices and that wonderful fresh thinking.
By the way, this is not about coming up with a new story. This is about residing below the toxic noise that our judgments of ourselves and others create. In that place, below the noise, there is just openheartedness, and a feeling of following what wants to happen, with no judgment.