February 9, 2022
The Psychological Immune System
Last October my foot started to hurt. I have an old injury on that foot and ankle, so assumed it was that. As the pain continued to increase through time, I tried new shoes, more strength training, and all sorts of tape and support. It continued to get more painful. Then Tim, my husband, suggested I have it x-rayed. Guess what? There was a fairly sizable stress fracture! It never would have healed the way I was treating it. I was interfering with the physical immune system built into my body and never even knew it.
Today I am going to introduce you to your psychological immune system. Please remember a time when you cut a finger, or injured your hand in some way. It may have hurt like the dickens at the time, as well as while it was healing, but for the most part, I suspect all you had to do was clean it, protect it and trust your physical immune system to go to work and heal it. There was nothing you could do to speed the healing, but plenty you could do to interfere with the healing, like get it dirty or pick at the scab.
Now, please remember something that caused you stress within the last 48 hours. Notice how your body feels, and how many things you can think of to say about this incident or circumstance. OK that’s enough!
Now, remember something that moved you to tears, or had you grateful, or was joyful. How many thoughts do you have about that circumstance? Notice how your body feels now. Do you notice a difference between those two things?
If you can catch a glimpse of what is happening, and stay with it long enough to have an insight occur, here’s what you might notice. We have LOTS of thoughts about things that stress us. And the more we think those thoughts the worse we feel. When we remember something joyous or wonderous, we often have very few thoughts about what is happening. We are just left to enjoy the feeling we are having.
You have just experienced the psychological immune system at work. Just shifting our focus from stressful thoughts to wonderful ones allows the system to rebalance. And just like the physical version, when you continually ‘pick at the scab’ of the stressful thought, it resists healing, or coming back to balance and peace of mind. Thinking about something stressful all the time is like picking at the scab on your knuckle. If we leave our upsetting thoughts alone and allow our minds to quiet, healing take place of its own accord, and new thinking can arise about the circumstance you see as stressful. Both immune systems are innate. They are built into the system of being human. All human beings, and all life, has these immune systems built in. There is nothing to do but get out of the way of them.
I often use a snow globe to mimic how we interfere with our psychological immune system. When we shake the snow globe, that snow is a metaphor for our incessant thinking about what is bothering us. This is innocent, by the way. If we knew that amount and kind of thinking would make things worse, we would not do it!
Built into our system as a part of the immune system is our very own Buddha Wisdom, always there pointing to new, wise and creative thinking. However, the swirl of our stressful thinking causes so much static or snow in the system that we can’t hear this wisdom speaking to us. The error that continues to happen is we think we can think our way out of what is happening! If we could, by the way, it would already have happened. How many of you have a situation that always drives you nuts? Habitual thinking about that situation is what is preventing you from having a new insight into what to do or think about that situation. And all we are doing is picking at the scab.
Now to the simple part. If your body feels tight, your breath is shallow, and/or your jaw is clenched, you are fighting the innate immune system’s design. If you breathe deeply a few times, that tiny pause may allow you to remember that you are wired to feel good in your body, to feel relaxed and up for anything. Remembering that often brings that feeling back suddenly and easily, like a beach ball popping to the surface. If you find it is hard to let the habits of thought go, distract yourself. Go out in nature, sit with a pet, watch a funny cat video or write a note to a friend telling them how much you appreciate them. And suddenly the stress is gone, and you can start again.
Awareness is the most important part of eliminating stress. If you are feeling peaceful, lean into that. If you are feeling stressed, pause, distract and go into nature in some way. Begin to practice your ability to tolerate temporary psychological pain or discomfort, and watch how it is transient if you let it just be there. Once the old thinking has moved through you, you can approach the circumstance again with a fresh perspective.
To recap, stress cannot be managed. That’s like trying to manage a cut to heal, incessantly doing something to make the healing go faster and in the right direction. Stress gets eliminated when you remember the psychological immune system is operating on your behalf at all times. The more you let it do its job, the better you will feel, and the wiser you will become.
True Nature and YOUR True Nature
At the very beginning of my vacation this year, I discovered once again my personal true nature.
True nature in general is built into the system that helps us heal psychologically as well as physically. (Thank goodness when I scrape my arm or knee, I don’t have to KNOW what to do to have my physical immune system heal, right?????) And knowing that my psychology is designed to come back to balance if I trust that it will, letting my thinking move through me and learning to focus only on thoughts that leave me peaceful even in trying circumstances, is a blessing during volatile and chaotic times.
However, we also all have a unique lens or design we are born with, that allows us to see the very life we inhabit from our own personal perspective.
It’s useful to begin to understand that the reason it is always you that notices “x”, is because you were born with a lens that allows you to see “x”. Others were born being able to see “y” or “z”, not “x”. This is why it is useful to just give up being annoyed that your children, spouse or friend can’t see the very thing that to you is as plain as the nose on your face. They can’t see what you see, and you can’t see what they see.
So, on the last day of work prior to my vacation, I went out to fill up the fountain in my front yard and noticed that the stray cat that had been coming around to drink from the fountain was lying near the fountain. When I began to fill the fountain, she did not move when a light mist from the hose fell on her. Knowing this was un-cat-like behavior, I looked at her more closely and realized her coat was not well groomed (cats are fanatics about grooming themselves), and she was thin. I am allergic to cats, and have terriers who would love to chase cats, so bringing her into the house was not going to work, even if I could manage to catch her.
I brought a puppy crate out into the yard, filled the water cup with fresh water and put it near her. She immediately got up and drank about half of the water. I then decided to try petting her, which she seemed to enjoy, again getting up and rubbing against my legs. At that point I tried picking her up, which she let me do, placed her in the crate, and closed the door. And then it occurred to me I now at least temporarily, owned a cat! Yikes. What was I thinking???
This is where I began to feel my own true nature. This was an animal in distress, and by nature I must offer it support if I can, and if it will let me.
The short story is after checking with a few neighbors to see who she belonged to, I ended up at an emergency vet who scanned her for a microchip (none) that would have identified her owner, then told me she was very old, and very ill, with a mass on her liver. We opted to have her euthanized, and again by nature I wanted to be sure someone who loved her was with her as she passed on, so I stayed.
On the drive home, with tears in my eyes, I was sort of shaking my head about the whole thing. There was seemingly a strong directional pull to all of those actions, even though I was tired, allergic to cats, and it cost me close to $500 in vet fees. That’s true nature, and each of you reading this has one as well. Once you know yours, those odd choices you make sometimes will suddenly make complete sense.
Be on the lookout for themes in your life, and try trusting your own personal true nature as well as the innate system built in. It’s a very easy way to begin giving up the thought that there is something wrong with you!
Stretching Time
A few mornings ago, I woke up late and immediately was in time-scarcity mode.
A few mornings ago, I woke up late and immediately was in time-scarcity mode. I began speeding around, trying to get all the tasks done that would allow me to be relaxed when I started work. And on top of that, the ants were invading again, this time streaming into my laundry room, washing machine, back bathroom, and kitchen. (I think we must live on a giant ant hill, by the way).
I have had an uneasy deal with the ants for years. They can have the outside and the INSIDE of the walls, but not inside of the actual house. Ants eat termite eggs and larvae, so I have always encouraged them to stay around. This was insane though! So for half an hour I sprayed orange oil (no poisons due to dogs and wildlife) and plugged up holes with Vaseline jelly to prevent them from having such easy access.
Once that was done, I noticed that the focus on that project had allowed me to relax a bit regarding all the other things. So, I decided I would do the essentials and not worry about the rest. I began to enjoy each task rather than resent it, and I quit looking at the clock so much.
The next thing I knew, everything was done and there was still time to walk the dogs! So off we went, in the cool of the morning, enjoying our walk together, the breeze ruffling all of our hair, and, for the dogs, the great smells they were following. When I got home, I still had enough time for a quick shower and breakfast! And I have no idea how that happened.
Many times, in my life, I’ve experience a phenomenon I call time stretching.
Many times, in my life, I’ve experience a phenomenon I call time stretching. When I leave late to go somewhere and make it on time anyway. When I forgot to do something the night before and suddenly have time the next morning to accomplish it before work. What is this flexible time thing about????? I’ve studied time for years, fascinated by all the perspectives on time that can be found. The Jewish faith lost many of their temples as they were persecuted so have teachings about Temples in Time rather than buildings. Many authors point to different kinds of time. Time is slower when you are trying to find a new location, much faster when you retrace your steps home. But what I know for sure is, anything we think we don’t have enough of will give us exactly the feeling of not having enough of it.
The thought of scarcity seems to not only produce anxiety, it also makes us less wise and less creative, by a lot. Some researchers in the Boston area did experiments proving this to be true. They set up tables in shopping malls asking for volunteers to answer a few questions and take a few tests. The first thing the volunteers were asked to do was take a short standard IQ test. They were then told something the researchers told them was not true. They were told that while they were in the mall, their car was backed into and a fair amount of damage was done. The volunteer’s IQ was then retested after that
statement. The results were startling, over and over again. People who originally tested high IQ upon retest were now only average, and if originally average, they were now low IQ, just from hearing a statement that they were told WAS NOT TRUE. Scarcity about money had actually blocked their normal intelligence.
So, the next time you are feeling scarce about anything (think time, money, relationship, clients, etc,) breathe through that tense feeling and let life guide you to abundance. And notice that maybe EVERYTHING can stretch when we notice we are feeling scarce. Worth exploring, right?
Peace
it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. It means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.
(unknown)
The quote above is one of my favorites. But do we actually know what having peace in our hearts feels like? I sometimes wonder. I catch myself saying I’m fine when the feeling in my shoulders is tension. Or I hear a client say, I’m the calm one, they are out of balance. And I can tell the energy is not calm. And they have no clue, because we were not taught as kids to pay attention to the messages our body is sending us, nor that we don’t have to believe what we think.
The fact that we have an operating system that is always working on behalf of well-being, both physically and mentally, implies that if we just got out of its way the ship of our being would be righted quite easily. And there’s the rub. Getting out of its way. Do we even notice when we are in its way?
Through a comedy of errors, I ended up having fasting bloodwork done three times in 6 weeks. The first time the person who drew the blood forgot the frozen packs as she sent them off FedEx to the lab. The second time, there was an insurance snafu, and even though I offered to private pay, the insurance was already on record and we could not get the results without jumping through way too many hoops. I am now on the third attempt this week, using a local lab to draw and process the results. Frustration was VERY readily available during the second snafu. As I was gnashing my teeth and being outraged at all of this, I suddenly became aware of how my physical body was feeling. And I laughed, as I remembered that but for my thinking I would be relaxed and interested, not furious.
I’m not saying fury is not an appropriate response.
I’m not saying fury is not an appropriate response. But it turns out it is not one I wish to feel. And that makes all the difference in my life. I know that thoughts keep moving unless I corral them and think about them over and over again, digging a hole into my mental well-being, and trying to think my way out of the issue. I KNOW I am right to be furious and THEY should know I am right. The problem is, it is my well-being that suffers, not theirs. So, I chose to let the fury move on, and what followed was resolve to try another approach to getting these results, plus an incredible softening and freedom in my body. I had the energy for what I really wanted to do which is teach people that they can learn how to tell when their body is relaxed, and when it is not. Funny how few of us notice that as a clue.
So, this week, imagine YOU are the only one who can allow your body to come to calm. That nothing outside of you is causing that tightness under your shoulder, or that shallow breathing. It is all interference with the operating system. No need to identify the thought that is causing the mischief. Just remember to not take anything you think seriously enough to allow it to impact your well-being. Start small, not where you are most outraged. And let me know how it goes. Just noticing the tightness allows it to dissipate, by the way. There is nothing to do but keep noticing until calm shows up again, which it is designed to do. And that’s when ideas ‘out of nowhere’ show up!
Imagine This
We all have an obligation to daydream. We have
an obligation to imagine. It is easy to pretend that
nobody can change anything, that society is huge
and the individual is less than nothing. But the
truth is individuals make the future, and they do it
by imagining that things can be different.
~Neil Gaiman
I am fascinated by imagination recently. When did I forget to imagine? I know I imagined as a child. I wonder where it went?
As a much younger person, my whole world was a blank slate for me to paint my life upon. For too many years, though, I found a system or structure that worked and went with it. It seemed to serve me well, yet creativity was less and less available as I followed the structure. Now as I am aging, I find the common understanding of aging is not very inspiring at all. And so, I am taking up imagining as a hobby!
Here’s how it is going so far. My little terrier got overwhelmed and really scared at all the local fireworks in our area on July 4th. She has always been more anxious than her sister, but now she was actually terrified. But only at bedtime, which is when the noises started. I’ve raised dogs since I was in my twenties (many years ago), so I tried lots of things I already knew. None of them were working. Then I tried researching behavior modification methods. Again, not working.
So, I decided to imagine what her world and mine might be like if she could find a sense of safety and I could rest knowing that she was back in a balanced state of mind. And suddenly the answer was right there. I brought her into the bedroom
with me that very night and she immediately fell into a deep and relaxing sleep. So simple, yet my intellect tries to tell me that I am ‘spoiling her’ or making the situation worse by ‘bending to her needs’. And yet, watching her blissfully sleep as I drift off to sleep myself is the best kind of balm for the soul.
One current project I have is to imagine a world run by feminine power with compassion and extravagant tenderness!
I now wonder what I can imagine next. One current project I have is to imagine a world run by feminine power with compassion and extravagant tenderness! Can’t hurt, might help and it feels lovely to reflect on. When I am feeling like my time is scarce, I stop and imagine that I have exactly the time I need and can relax. What a difference, and I find that I often have MORE of what I imagine, like room in time. When I catch myself using the ‘I’m getting old’ thinking, I stop and imagine what a physically strong and healthy life might be into my late nineties. And I laugh because it seems much more interesting than the current model at play in the world.
Try it out and let me know how it goes. Your imagination muscles might be rusty like mine were. Or they might be humming on all cylinders. If you need a refresher course in how to imagine, for real, hang out with a child for a few minutes. They are masters at this power.
Fix It Or Listen
Everyone Is God speaking. Why not be polite and Listen to Him? – Hafez
One of the most common things people tell me when I ask what they want to do for work, or what they love to do, is, “I love to help people”. And I know they mean it.
However, there is a pitfall in helping others: It seems like we know what is wrong and what there is to do to help the others see what we see so they can “get better”. This is a professional version of giving advice. And I know of no one, ever, who really wants advice. What people really want is to feel better, to have peace of mind as they go about their daily lives.
So, how do we actually help people, since that is what our heart desires?
Hafez had it right with the quote, above. Somewhere along the line listening became obsolete, as though it were in the way of an efficient conversation. Imagine if someone you know actually trusted you and themselves enough to listen to your point of view fully? And to consider it as though it might be new information?
I once had a conversation like this on a plane going across the country. Now, when I fly (or used to fly), I like to snooze or curl up with a good book, or both. However, on this flight, I sat next to a young man who was mid-western friendly, scrupulously polite, and curious about who I was. He asked if I was going home, and when I said no, I was going to do some consulting work, he asked me about that work. Being somewhat naïve about the mid-west, I told him a colleague and I were going to support Planned Parenthood with some staff issues. There was a pause, and he said, can I ask you some questions?
For the rest of the flight, we respectfully spoke about our ideas regarding abortion and a women’s right to choose. It was 20 or more years ago and I still remember the astounding nature of having a conversation about a charged topic with none of the charge in the conversation. It was an experience of wanting to know another, and feeling known by another.
I came away from the conversation with a whole new perspective, though my choices might still be the same. However, that conversation continues to allow me to see people who have another view of the topic as whole, sane and compassionate human beings, not people who are one-dimensionally obstinate and wrong. It was one of the loveliest experiences I’ve ever had. And in that conversation was the possibility of the whole world for a moment being unstuck from positions about a topic, and instead, having creativity and wisdom inform the conversation.
The trick is to give up that anyone who doesn’t hold your point of view is wrong. Why not ask questions to see if you can hear something new about their point of view? That doesn’t mean you have to give up your view. It just means that the conversation can move to a new place, which it might desperately need to do.
Take a deep breath and try this. And notice the moods that course through you at the beginning. If you can breathe through those moods and let them pass by, you may be startled by what you hear (in a good way!) Let me know how it goes!
Disinformation and Why it Sticks Around
May 25, 2022
My investigation into the cultural impact of pandemics makes this an interesting topic for me. And being an avid sports fan, I began to see something that fascinates me. I know from my long history of being a sports fan that fandom is a deep, cultural deal for many people. We root for our team, we deny there is any team better than ours (they were lucky!), and we love our team even when they are struggling. People become violent with others who root for another team, and families can get torn apart by which side you root for.
The pandemic isolation caused many of us to form pods of information with friends, commentators, and news outlets making sure the reports and conversations fit into the current conversations in those pods. It has become a sort of weird belonging, believing what our peers are believing. And it feels wonderful to be fighting a large, invisible enemy, together with our pod. The problem is, the need to belong is essential to human nature. So having people even consider that what we believe might not be true shakes us so deeply we dismiss the idea out of hand.
What is the fix for this?
No more isolation, for sure. It is at this very divided point that we must figure out how to connect, not divide. Can we understand their point of view, beyond the rhetoric? Can we love them for the part of them that is lovely? (Everyone has a lovely or charming part!) Can we be open enough to offer belonging on a broader scale so that people don’t have to choose sides? This is the secret to all good relationships, by the way. There is no such thing as someone we always agree with, or who is perfect. We must make room for differences of opinion to be neutral, not so charged. And we must make room for mistakes to be forgivable, not deadly.
One of the most amazing experiments in this approach to difference and disinformation is with gangs. Gangs offer belonging at a high cost, but when it is the only place offering belonging, there are many takers. And what one gang belongs to is not remotely what another gang belongs to. The penalty for making a mistake about that is often death.
Over the past 30 years, Father Greg Boyle has transformed thousands of lives through his work as founder of Homeboy Industries, the largest and most successful gang-intervention program in the world. With Kinship as the mission, Homeboy offers belonging to all who would join the community. They enter a world where they work side by side with their rivals, and learn that kinship supersedes gang rules. And they relax. The transformative power of tenderness is proof in this long-term community that the power of our hearts might be the only thing that can dispel disinformation.
Try this experiment
So, as you go forth, try this experiment. Give up judging and criticism for one day a week. You don’t have to agree, just be neutral and curious. Be tender first. And don’t take anything they say to you personally. You may find that the rigidity around us begins to soften, and that your own confidence increases. Wouldn’t that be lovely? And try having some compassion for how deeply people long to belong together. And see if you can invent new ways for that to happen.
If you want to know more about Homeboy Industries, please go to their website. I also highly recommend the books authored by Father Greg Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart, Barking to the Choir, and The Whole Language. Each is more spectacular than the next, and your heart will swell at the model of humanity at its very best.
If you like this blog, please visit my other articles here.
What if There is Nothing Wrong with You?
February 25, 2022
What if There is Nothing Wrong with You?
I’ve had the privilege of meeting new clients regularly this year, and often what comes up is something they want to ‘fix’ about themselves. As we begin to reflect and listen deeply, it fairly soon becomes apparent that the thing they have been told was wrong with them all these years, is actually related to their true source of power. For instance, a young man has not only been tagging buildings in France, but has been filming himself doing it! The remarkable thing is, he seemed unable to quit, and in fact started getting more and more creative in his ‘art’.
Fast forward and he is now a world-famous artist, bringing new perspectives to places all over the world that are stuck, or where people are struggling with poverty or violence. More about that later.
As we begin to understand ourselves and each other as being built for something unique, we may begin to understand the nature of where we struggle, and why. When I was young, I could not stay away from dogs. It drove my mom nuts. And here I am well into my life and dogs have taught me almost everything important that I know in my heart. I intuitively ‘get’ dogs, and always have. I’ve made my living from them, been coached by them, and loved them.
Yet I was told often that if I was serious about coaching, I should give up all this dog business. The common-sense notion was I needed to maintain a complete focus on coaching to be successful. I resisted that advice, and have thrived in my coaching, as well as my dog showing and grooming. My best stories and metaphors are insights I’ve received from my interactions and observations with dogs.
So, next time you are critical of yourself, ask yourself if this is something that might, in fact, be worth exploring rather than getting rid of. I’ve worked with clients who thought they were overly emotional, only to find out they could read the energy from a person or a room like they had ESP. Or someone for whom injustice can bring on physical illness, only to find out they are wired for fairness and inclusion. Try it. And in the meantime, please consider watching this link to a TED talk from the artist, JR, I referenced above. His art and his story are inspiring people all over the world, not just because it is beautiful, but because it causes us to change the narrative in places that are stuck. The longer version can be seen as a documentary on MSNBC called Paper and Glue.
https://www.nbc.com/paper-glue/video/paper-glue/8000005142
Documentary, 1 hour, 34 minutes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAy1zBtTbw,
Paper and Glue TED Talk, 24 minutes
Our Psychological Immune System is Innate
February 9, 2022
The Psychological Immune System
Today I am going to introduce you to your psychological immune system. Please remember a time when you cut a finger, or injured your hand in some way. It may have hurt like the dickens at the time, as well as while it was healing, but for the most part, I suspect all you had to do was clean it, protect it and trust your physical immune system to go to work and heal it. There was nothing you could do to speed the healing, but plenty you could do to interfere with the healing, like get it dirty or pick at the scab.
Now, please remember something that caused you stress within the last 48 hours. Notice how your body feels, and how many things you can think of to say about this incident or circumstance. OK that’s enough!
Now, remember something that moved you to tears, or had you grateful, or was joyful. How many thoughts do you have about that circumstance? Notice how your body feels now. Do you notice a difference between those two things?
If you can catch a glimpse of what is happening, and stay with it long enough to have an insight occur, here’s what you might notice. We have LOTS of thoughts about things that stress us. And the more we think those thoughts the worse we feel. When we remember something joyous or wonderous, we often have very few thoughts about what is happening. We are just left to enjoy the feeling we are having.
You have just experienced the psychological immune system at work. Just shifting our focus from stressful thoughts to wonderful ones allows the system to rebalance. And just like the physical version, when you continually ‘pick at the scab’ of the stressful thought, it resists healing, or coming back to balance and peace of mind. Thinking about something stressful all the time is like picking at the scab on your knuckle. If we leave our upsetting thoughts alone and allow our minds to quiet, healing take place of its own accord, and new thinking can arise about the circumstance you see as stressful. Both immune systems are innate. They are built into the system of being human. All human beings, and all life, has these immune systems built in. There is nothing to do but get out of the way of them.
I often use a snow globe to mimic how we interfere with our psychological immune system. When we shake the snow globe, that snow is a metaphor for our incessant thinking about what is bothering us. This is innocent, by the way. If we knew that amount and kind of thinking would make things worse, we would not do it!
Built into our system as a part of the immune system is our very own Buddha Wisdom, always there pointing to new, wise and creative thinking. However, the swirl of our stressful thinking causes so much static or snow in the system that we can’t hear this wisdom speaking to us. The error that continues to happen is we think we can think our way out of what is happening! If we could, by the way, it would already have happened. How many of you have a situation that always drives you nuts? Habitual thinking about that situation is what is preventing you from having a new insight into what to do or think about that situation. And all we are doing is picking at the scab.
Now to the simple part. If your body feels tight, your breath is shallow, and/or your jaw is clenched, you are fighting the innate immune system’s design. If you breathe deeply a few times, that tiny pause may allow you to remember that you are wired to feel good in your body, to feel relaxed and up for anything. Remembering that often brings that feeling back suddenly and easily, like a beach ball popping to the surface. If you find it is hard to let the habits of thought go, distract yourself. Go out in nature, sit with a pet, watch a funny cat video or write a note to a friend telling them how much you appreciate them. And suddenly the stress is gone, and you can start again.
Awareness is the most important part of eliminating stress. If you are feeling peaceful, lean into that. If you are feeling stressed, pause, distract and go into nature in some way. Begin to practice your ability to tolerate temporary psychological pain or discomfort, and watch how it is transient if you let it just be there. Once the old thinking has moved through you, you can approach the circumstance again with a fresh perspective.
To recap, stress cannot be managed. That’s like trying to manage a cut to heal, incessantly doing something to make the healing go faster and in the right direction. Stress gets eliminated when you remember the psychological immune system is operating on your behalf at all times. The more you let it do its job, the better you will feel, and the wiser you will become.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
I was studying Lent at the time of this story, specifically because I never could figure out why Lent was considered such a powerful Christian tool. I distinctly remember where I was standing in my home office, pacing about while trying to come up with something to ‘give up’ for Lent that would actually mean something to me.
I had a sudden realization which I would now call an Insight….I thought my husband was psychotic. That realization rocked me to my core. How could I, a successful coach, be in a relationship with someone who was psychotic? And so, I chose in that moment to give up thinking my husband was psychotic, for Lent.
I know, weird, right? I just had a hunch it might be worth doing.
I did not tell my husband of my project over the next 40 days. The first day was awful as I could not interact with the poor man in any capacity without the thought, well, you know, he is psychotic. I would patiently, and sometime irritably start over with a clean slate, asking myself, if he were not psychotic, how would this go? The first week was miserable, but the second week began to be more tolerable, and by the third week I was actually enjoying my husband in a way I had not done for years. The appreciation was back, I was grateful we were together, and I felt a deep love for him again. I could NOT understand what had happened.
I spent the next 40 days after Lent thinking our issues were all my fault, which again plunged me into a dark and horrible place, another story that was not helping me have peace of mind in my marriage. By the way, he was amazed, and said he thought the last several months had been the best in our entire marriage. So, I had to confess to the experiment I was running, and how sorry I was for thinking about him that way.
Fast forward another 30 plus years, and we are not only still married but, despite our differences, say to each other at least 3-4 times a week, “Another day in Paradise with you!” Ours is one of the best marriages I know of. What I learned way back then is that we will believe any story we tell ourselves. It’s just that many of them are not good for us. Since there are many, many ways to think about everything, I recommend you take the stories you tell very lightly, and assume they are not true, especially if they are causing you to struggle. If you catch yourself struggling, go for a walk, take 10 deep breaths, clear your mind and see if there is a way to hold the circumstances in a way that gives you a sense of peace, curiosity or interest.
So what happened? By accident, I began to tell a different story about who my husband is/was. And that made all the difference. It launched my career, teaching clients and organizations how thought works, and how the operating system for being human works. I say that one insight saved my marriage, my career and my life, all at once.
Pandemics
I have been taken over by an idea, one that I find eternally fascinating and clarifying. That idea is that we are in the midst of a great global “coming apart”. The pandemic has shaken us all up, whether we know (and like) it or not. The entire world is attempting to learn how to live well in the midst of a great coming apart. And without realizing that coming apart is affecting everything, we might miss the opportunity to help the cultural shift come together for the good.
As this idea took hold of me, I began to read what I could find about other pandemics humanity has gone through. I stumbled across an article citing Gianna Pomata, a retired professor at the Institute of the History of Medicine, at Johns Hopkins University. She has actually studied pandemics, and points to common attributes of all pandemics which seem to be the shaking up of the way people think, and that there is a new age, or Renaissance, that follows almost all of them. Pomata says that what happens after a pandemic is like a wind, “it’s like fresh air coming in, the fresh air of common sense.”
As I look around and listen these days, I hear people wondering when we will ever get back to ‘normal’. People, myself included, are tired of the Pandemic, tired of all the changes, and frustrated that there appears to be little we can all do about that. And suddenly I am captivated by the question, “What if we could do something about it?”
Thus, my being taken over by an idea began. I could suddenly see that the world was moving much too slowly to accomplish what needs to be done to rebalance humanity and the world. The nature of change that was required for humanity and the world to survive and live well needed to be disrupted quickly so common sense could help us put things back together in a much quicker timeframe.
What else could have caused many large American Auto manufacturers to suddenly announce they would be going to all-electric cars and trucks? What would have had small towns and large cities accommodate the request of restaurants and cafes to set up out-door dining at record pace? Have you noticed how many food sellers are now offering plant-based choices? Even Kentucky Fried Chicken and Chipotle have gotten on board. And the fact that Zoom came into existence the year before the Pandemic is a miracle!
When we look for what is coming together in a way that supports life more fully, we often begin to see the hidden and hopeful new direction. Which helps us relax a bit and come more back into balance, which is what all of life is attempting to do. If you notice other things that have changed so rapidly your head is spinning, let me know. I’ll add it to my collection! And don’t lose hope. Inside of community, humanity can do almost anything.