How can they possibly think that?
I cannot tell you the number of times I have thought that or heard someone say that.
The outrage, frustration, and confusion feel real, right? And if I give voice to those feelings, oh, do things get worse!
There is a hidden clue right in that outrage, that thought, that could save a lot of trouble. When we are outraged at something, it means we think how we see things is right, and how “they” see things is at best misguided and at worse, just wrong.
Lately, when I catch myself in this thought storm, I pause to let the outrage go by, then do my best to listen for what THEY see, not for how wrong they are.
I ask an open-ended question (questions you could not possibly know the answer to), and I listen. And what do you know? Many times, not all, the emotional conflict often softens or goes away completely, and a deeper connection can be felt.
What’s the trick?
The trick is to remember this. The eyes with which I view the world have my own unique lens, which gives me the illusion that what I see is real. When I see something as real, and others behave in a way that contradicts that reality, I only have limited choices as I consider them and their actions. Either there must be something WRONG with them, or heavens, there must be something wrong with me. Neither of those perspectives is comforting or stabilizing. Therefore, we get paralyzed and confused.
However, when we consider that the other, be it, a spouse, child, pet, or professional, must be looking at a world I do not see, suddenly there is room to consider the situation through fresh eyes. I have found a sudden clarity, and with that clarity often comes new insight on how to move forward successfully with the relationship.
My biggest teachers
Since my dogs teach me many things, let me recount a story involving them. I love our morning walks, three terriers and me, early morning, often in the dark or at dawn, appreciating the beauty of our neighborhood. We have learned to navigate other dogs and people and generally have a great walk. However, in late Fall and Early Winter, the Oak trees in my area drop Acorns and Acorn Caps, which my dogs LOVE to scarf up, then digest in awful ways. It was a constant and unhappy battle to keep them from snuffling up all those tasty morsels. Suddenly one morning I remember that terriers LOVE games, so I let them snarf one up, then immediately taught them to spit it out for a tasty morsel of string cheese. They were more than willing! And it is adorable and makes me laugh. So now when we walk, we play the Spit game, to the amusement of on-lookers and all of us. When I remembered how they view the world, I had new, fun, and creative thinking available rather than frustration. My walks have settled back down, and we are the talk of the neighborhood.
As Julia Dahr says,
“The way that you reach people is by finding common ground. It’s by separating ideas from identity and being genuinely open to persuasion.”
And just like any muscle, this ability can be strengthened with practice.
Insights and Seeds
Insights and Seeds — Insights are just like the seeds that have been dormant and now finally have the room to come to life.
As I was walking this morning with my beloved Norfolk Terriers, I was overcome by the beauty in this gorgeous Easter morning. Spring has erupted with wildflowers and weeds, causing a riot of color, beauty and a greener green than I knew existed. All the rain we have had seems to have had things some alive in a new and powerful way.
It occurred to me during the walk that insights are just like the seeds that have been dormant and now finally have the room to come to life.
The energy that orchestrates all of that is awesome, by the way, and a deep mystery that can only be seen, not understood! In my life, I have found that if I give ROOM to a new insight, let it take hold and show me something new, my life will gently change without any ‘doing’ energy. I am reminded with a smile on my face about a garden my family planted for my 40th birthday years ago. I was recovering from surgery, and all I wanted was something to watch grow.
So, they pulled weeds, tilled and amended the soil, prepared the plan, and planted seeds that would grow into some of the best melons, corn, carrots and Sunflowers I have ever experienced. One of our friends participating in this garden project had two small sons, maybe 2 and 4 years old. I will never forget the 2-year-old watching the sunflower seeds being planted, and then spending the rest of the day squatting right near the row, waiting for them to come up. He could not understand the germination period occurs underground!
It reminds me of my own impatience about an insight.
I want the results of that insight RIGHT NOW! And if it does not happen, I often dismiss the insight as weak, or unimportant, and forget about it. The thing is, it never really forgets about me. It may be days, months or years later that I ‘suddenly’ see the insight in full bloom as it helps orchestrate my life to be wiser and more creative. And then sometimes the insight is ready to blossom immediately. I recently was in conversation with a group of beloved friends and clients and realized I had let go of dreaming (the day kind, not nighttime dreaming). I had become so focused on making sure my work was done, the house work and cooking was kept up, and my study and research was done that I never even missing having dreams. Just noticing that seemed to have a powerful effect on all of us, and since then even though I have not actively set a ‘time’ to dream, my life seems roomier, more relaxed, and more creative. Plus, the work is more satisfying and deeper somehow. Interesting, right? I only needed to notice the insight then stay open to its message for life to somehow be more delightful.
There is a certain feeling that comes with those insights
So, go forth into Spring, and notice an insight this week. They happen all the time, and are sometimes marked by, “Aha!”, or “Hmmmm, that is interesting….”. There is a certain feeling that comes with those insights. Let that roll through you and then just observe. And let me know what you discover!
Let it Go, Let it Go……….
Let it Go — This season of renewal called Spring reminds us that fresh thinking is available in every aspect of our lives.
Remember the February conversation about how thought is like a black and white cat running straight at us?
This is the season that I had my own deep insight into how thought works when I gave up thinking my husband was ‘psychotic’. In the ensuing 40 days, we began to see that even though the first 5 years of our marriage had been difficult, our relationship was still wonderful.
We just needed to practice letting thought move through us, rather than believing it. You see, the true nature of thought is that it is always in motion, coming from the formless or spirit, entering our thinking and then moving on to the formless again. Unless we invite it to tea! That is when the real mischief starts. The longer thought hangs around, the more solid and believable it becomes. Loop or repetitive thinking begins to happen and our mood drops. What to do?
I have a metaphor I just love, especially in any sort of relationship.
I imagine that when I am angry or frustrated by something I think was ‘done to me’, I promise myself I won’t speak until I have calmed down. What I realized many years ago is that if I speak from a frustrated or angry mood, what I say can cause great harm to the relationship I have with that person. It is though I blow a hole in the relationship with my frustration or defensiveness, then I’ll have to fill that hole in through time with a teaspoon or small trowel! Imagine the momentary satisfaction of reaction, then how long it will take to recover a trusting and kind relationship with that other person. I decided it was not worth it.
I am not saying to stuff your reaction. I am suggesting you not discuss anything important until your mind has cleared (as well as theirs!) Then the Essence of Life, or Wisdom, will have room to bring fresh thinking or a new perspective, which will allow for constructive conversation. No new hole in the relationship to fill in! Think of this like skirting live landmines, navigating through until you can see a clear path to where you want to go.
Try it and let me know how it goes. And remember, relationships are often like a child playing with a yoyo on an escalator that is going up. If we focus on the up and down of the yoyo, we will be chaotic in our thinking.
If we focus on the direction of the upward elevator, we can relax and trust we are going in the right direction. And that allows us to relax, and enjoy our lives more and more.
Thought is Like a Black and White Cat
I love my morning walks with the young dogs.
If I get an early enough start, there are far less distractions (birds, squirrels, skunks, other people, and dogs) so we walk and reflect and all is quiet and lovely. This morning was just such a walk. We climbed our hill, crested the top, then started down the long slope down.
Out of nowhere, breaking through the dark, streaks a black and white cat coming straight for us as fast as it can go.
I have terriers and they had a very terrier-like response. That was, shrieking at the top of their lungs and launching into the leash to give chase. As the cat flew by, I managed to hang on to all three terriers. Within a few steps we were back into the rhythm of our walk as though nothing had happened, and it suddenly occurred to me that this was a perfect metaphor for how thought works.
Thought come at us sometimes gently, but more often like that barrel-racing black cat. It is suddenly upon us, we believe it and we have a startle reaction as well as an experience that comes with that thought. There was no stopping the cat this morning, and there is no stopping a reactive thought either. However, what the terriers know, and we humans often forget, is once the cat is past, and it is clear they have no way of engaging with it, they return to a happier state of balance in the present moment almost immediately.
Thought works in exactly the same way, if we do not chase our thinking.
If we let it go by, we will naturally return to a state of presence that all of us prefer. In that state of presence, our senses are heightened, and we feel the beauty all around us. Even in times of war, conflict, great sorrow, frustration, and complexity, grabbing hold of thought keeps us tense, while shaking ourselves off and allowing a return to presence is always available and keeps wisdom streaming through us instead of adrenalin. This is how we are wired, how the ‘system’ that is built into all of us works. Experimentation with this is worth trying, as the more you can align with the operating system that comes with life, the better will be your experience of life, and the wiser and more effective you will be.
Our intellect and ego will try to change our thinking so we are calmer and happier.
That only keeps us engaged with thought, which is the opposite of what we are attempting to achieve. Let it go by like that black cat did this morning and take notice that wisdom fills the gap where the frustration, anxiety, and tension once was.
Human Beings are Designed to Float
I have a vague memory of learning to swim when I was a very small girl.
My twin and I were in class together, and I remember getting to the point where I could go through tubes underwater and not be afraid. I suspect that was because it dawned on me that I was designed to come back to the surface if I got scared. Even if I could not swim well yet, the natural occurrence would be popping to the surface if I did not struggle. What a relief!
What I was not taught, and as far as I know very few people were taught, is that our psychology is designed to allow us to experience the sense of floating as well.
People often tell me that they finally relax when they are in the shower, or driving on a country road, or on vacation. In those moments, we have nothing on our minds and we come back to the surface quickly, much like a Beach Ball. When we listen to music or watch a sunset, our minds are quiet and we have a feeling of peace that is much like floating. Why is that?
It turns out that when we focus on a thought and intellectually try to solve a problem, understand something that frustrates us, or worry about something, that thinking almost literally weighs us down. Thought’s nature is to keep moving through us.
When we invite it for tea, is when we have trouble.
(One of my favorite Chinese proverbs goes something like this: You can’t control which birds fly over your head, but you CAN control which ones nest in your hair!) When we bring our intellect to something, we are focusing on a thought. If, while we focus, we begin to feel heavy or tense, let that thought move away like a cloud or bird, and wait to see what shows up next. If we feel interested and excited about our focus, follow that feeling. It will not lead you astray.
When we float, either physically or mentally (or both!), we have the luxury of letting thought just move through us.
It feels like listening to some lovely music, without having to know any of the lyrics or how the music was made. In those times, we can hear our intuition guiding us, and wisdom is suddenly pointing to new directions and ideas. We might suddenly have a realization, or even just notice that life is perfectly orchestrating solutions for us if we back away and let it.
Sometimes we worry because we think it is useful. We think if we do not worry, we are irresponsible. My experience is when I am ‘floating’ and have a sudden insight about what to do, I find myself almost jumping into action with all kinds of energy to bring to the new insight. The insight and the energy seem to come together.
So, try that this month. Practice being a Beach Ball.
Notice that you do not have to push the ball back to the surface. It is buoyant and pops to the surface on its own if we stop pushing down on it. And enjoy the waves rather than fighting them.
What if it was all meant to be?
What if it was all meant to be?
I think the most important question facing humanity is, “Is the universe a friendly place?” –Albert Einstein
I recently had a series of clients and friends who have had, shall we say, circumstances they would not have chosen.
Often as they recount the situations, they say things like, “Why is this happening to me?” or “Oh no, I cannot have this now. What will I do?” The interesting thing is, once I hear back from them several days, weeks or months later, they often tell me insights they have had, new wisdom that has shown up, or bad habits that got broken, all because of the unwanted circumstances. What if it is all meant to be?
As we begin the new year, see if you can pause a bit and see the theme or trajectory of your life looking backward.
For instance, when I was 18, I broke 3 bones, one every six months. During that time, it dawned on me that there might be a message to slow down a bit and live more thoughtfully. Then I had a period of dealing with two different kinds of cancers, both of which I fully recovered from. During THAT time, it occurred to me that I had been taking my physical body for granted, and it might be wise to develop a relationship with it.
And now, as I look back at all of that, plus career changes
and ultimately finding a wonderful man to marry, and work that is deeply satisfying, I can see that all those unwanted circumstances were essential to the whole journey, not something that was a mistake. How would we interact with “unwanted” circumstances if we considered they might be FOR something?
I do not mean we are predestined for suffering, not at all.
In fact, I know we are designed as human beings to enjoy life AT ALL TIMES. If you can allow that, it is possible to be at peace in the middle of unwanted circumstances, their place in a whole life might begin to show up.
Here in California, we are experiencing round after round of storms, bringing flooding rains and deep snow, depending on the elevation.
Many of us lost power, including our own homes. We were without electrical power for 17 hours, the longest power loss I have ever had in this house. My husband and I commented when we finally had power restored that there was a certain graceful orchestration we were part of. We found it surprising, annoying, and then interesting to experience the quiet of a power outage, as well as the ingenuity that was at our fingertips. (Who knew I could groom a dog with a headlamp on, and the dog thought it was fun?)
So, make 2023 the year that instead of thinking life is working against you, see if you can consider it is always working on your behalf and is, in fact, friendly.
And allow your mind to soften, and reflect. Then let me know what you come up with!
You’re Not a Problem, You’re Not a Mistake
You’re Not a Problem, You’re Not a Mistake
What does that even mean?
My wish for you this Holiday is that you get a glimpse that you are not a problem, not a mistake, and in fact, you are perfectly human.
I heard the song (link below) that includes these words and had to pull my car over to the side of the road I was so moved by it. Just imagine what life would be like if you always knew that you are perfectly loved. For being perfectly human.
What does that even mean?
It means that we are not designed to be perfect humans. We are designed to be perfectly human. The difference is in our understanding of what being human means, and what it does not. It does not mean never making mistakes. It does not mean always knowing everything. It does not even mean being successful.
It means learning from our mistakes, rather than avoiding them.
It means loving yourself as much as you love others. It means that you know your SOUL to be perfect, but not your humanity. And it means you trust something larger than just yourself is infusing all of life with life force energy!
This type of trust/faith allows us to relax and realize all the world’s circumstances are not ours to solve. In the gentle moment of now, there may be something to help or serve, yet nothing, I mean nothing, is all on you. Life just does not work that way.
So, in the shorter days and longer nights, enjoy the holiday lights reminding us that soon our days will be full of light and warmth.
Gather with friends and family, hug your children and dogs, and remember, that you are perfectly loved.
Please enjoy this as my gift to you.
Insight vs. Figuring Things Out
Insight vs. Figuring Things Out
I had a conversation yesterday with a client who came to me as a very successful person, but who dealt with a lot of dread.
As we talked, we began to discuss the nature of dread, and that dread is a thought, not a real thing. The more we looked in that direction, the more ideas came to us about the tasks being dreaded. And suddenly there was an opening in the cloud of dread for inspiration, fun and creativity.
And there was an almost instantaneous desire to get to work on the task that had previously been something to avoid.
That is how true insight works.
It is sometimes called an Ah Ha moment. Some call it an idea out of nowhere. I experience it as something so new showing up that it takes my breath away or makes me giggle.
Most of us, particularly the accomplished, successful ones of us, have a level of pride in our intellectual ability.
We are good at solving problems and at figuring things out. However, this is never going to bring anything new to the table. Ask any true creative and they will tell you that new art comes from nowhere; it just shows up. That is true for all of life, by the way. When we are distracted by something, or are doing a physical task like gardening or walking, we often allow our minds to soften.
We notice more, we hear more, and we are in a state of no intellectual thought. And suddenly, ‘out of the blue’ comes a solution or an idea that is so exciting we will never forget it. All the circumstances surrounding that new idea suddenly shift to accommodate the new thinking, and it’s as though we have found the missing link or piece to the puzzle.
Sydney Banks called this well of unlimited intelligence Divine Mind.
Some people call it Life Force Energy, God, or Wisdom. It is a pool of all the intelligence that ever was or will be, just waiting for us to invite it to be known in our very circumstances, now. And that takes a quiet mind.
Many, many years ago, I was told a true story about a medical device company whose engineers would occasionally get stuck with a particularly vexing issue in engineering one of their new designs.
They had a secret weapon, though, in the form of a very, very tall employee who, by his own admission, was geeky and a bit awkward at everything he did. He was not an engineer. But he had a particular gift that had been so reliable that the company paid him a 6-figure salary in the 1970’s. Here is how his gift worked.
He would listen to the engineers describe the stuck issue.
He would ask enough questions to feel like he knew the dilemma, then he would go home, and take a warm bath in his custom-built, huge tub. And invariably as he relaxed in the warm water, the solution would pop into his mind. This went on for years, as I understand it, and was almost infallible. What was going on? He KNEW and TRUSTED that the answer would come to him if he relaxed and waited for it to appear. And it always did.
A warm bath is not required, but there is a way that your mind quiets.
It might be listening to music, gardening, driving, or cooking a meal. Whatever it is, if it reliably returns you to a calm perspective, try that, and trust that something new to consider will show up in time. And when it does, consider it. Do not immediately discard it because it does not fit your ideas of what might work! And try this when planning your holidays this year. You may just be able to enjoy your holidays in a new and fun way.
How Can They Possibly Think That?
How can they possibly think that?
I cannot tell you the number of times I have thought that or heard someone say that.
The outrage, frustration, and confusion feel real, right? And if I give voice to those feelings, oh, do things get worse!
There is a hidden clue right in that outrage, that thought, that could save a lot of trouble. When we are outraged at something, it means we think how we see things is right, and how “they” see things is at best misguided and at worse, just wrong.
Lately, when I catch myself in this thought storm, I pause to let the outrage go by, then do my best to listen for what THEY see, not for how wrong they are.
I ask an open-ended question (questions you could not possibly know the answer to), and I listen. And what do you know? Many times, not all, the emotional conflict often softens or goes away completely, and a deeper connection can be felt.
What’s the trick?
The trick is to remember this. The eyes with which I view the world have my own unique lens, which gives me the illusion that what I see is real. When I see something as real, and others behave in a way that contradicts that reality, I only have limited choices as I consider them and their actions. Either there must be something WRONG with them, or heavens, there must be something wrong with me. Neither of those perspectives is comforting or stabilizing. Therefore, we get paralyzed and confused.
However, when we consider that the other, be it, a spouse, child, pet, or professional, must be looking at a world I do not see, suddenly there is room to consider the situation through fresh eyes. I have found a sudden clarity, and with that clarity often comes new insight on how to move forward successfully with the relationship.
My biggest teachers
Since my dogs teach me many things, let me recount a story involving them. I love our morning walks, three terriers and me, early morning, often in the dark or at dawn, appreciating the beauty of our neighborhood. We have learned to navigate other dogs and people and generally have a great walk. However, in late Fall and Early Winter, the Oak trees in my area drop Acorns and Acorn Caps, which my dogs LOVE to scarf up, then digest in awful ways. It was a constant and unhappy battle to keep them from snuffling up all those tasty morsels. Suddenly one morning I remember that terriers LOVE games, so I let them snarf one up, then immediately taught them to spit it out for a tasty morsel of string cheese. They were more than willing! And it is adorable and makes me laugh. So now when we walk, we play the Spit game, to the amusement of on-lookers and all of us. When I remembered how they view the world, I had new, fun, and creative thinking available rather than frustration. My walks have settled back down, and we are the talk of the neighborhood.
As Julia Dahr says,
And just like any muscle, this ability can be strengthened with practice.
The Transitional Power of Our Senses
I was walking at dawn recently and heard a Steller’s Jay raucous call.
I was INSTANTLY transported to when I was a little girl, camping with my family. In that moment (with my senses) I was in the Sierra Mountains, watching Dad start the campfire in the cold summer morning, and I could see Mom beginning to prepare breakfast. I could feel the cool, dry mountain air on my skin, and I felt engulfed by the love of my family.
That is the power of our senses.
When we know about this power we can harness it, and often do. Movie directors can make or break the movie by choosing the right or wrong music. During the Holiday Season we are brought into the feeling of the times through music more than anything else. (Well, the smell of cookies and pine trees can do it as well!) And Real Estate agents know that a house will sell more quickly if there is the smell of fresh baked bread in the kitchen!
Our senses give us access to how life feels.
Our intellect is by-passed for a moment and we fall back into the feeling associated with that sound or smell. Notice that comfort foods are named very precisely for what they do! In reaching for these things, though, we miss that it is possible to find comfort or the serenity of a cool mountain stream without anything outside of us playing a part.
This is the biggest misunderstanding we have as human beings, that we need something outside of us to find a particular feeling we long for.
Ads tell us we need X, Y or Z to feel better, or to belong. It never occurs to us that a simple sound, like the call of that Jay, can bring comfort and peace as well. Why? Because that feeling of well-being, peace of mind, belonging, adventure…. that is built into the operating system for being human and available at all times. We just need to remember it is there.
Try this experiment. Think of something that annoyed you within the last day or two. Now notice how your body feels.
Now, think of something that delights you. Notice the difference in how your body feels. Nothing changed at all except the thoughts you considered. This explains why it never works to keep thinking about what is wrong! We FEEL what we are focusing on. So the next time you suddenly notice you are clenching your jaw or your shoulders are tight, recall that Jay’s voice, or the smell of freshly baked cookies, the laugh of a young child, or puppy breath. Your body will follow what you focus on and be at peace.
The Great Resignation, The Overwhelm Syndrome
A client of mine is more and more restless at her work. She is overwhelmed, burnt out and can’t see any end in sight. She is not alone.
Many, many people are finding that their time during the pandemic allowed them to rest, recover and explore what they really love. Then they return to work and find they are no longer interested in working under the pressure they had previously gotten used to!
Why is this happening? And what is the explanation for the great resignation from careers?
I believe that once we experience true rest, recovery, reflection and peace of mind, we can’t then go back to ignoring it.
The truth is, there is a wide-open window of creativity at the moment. The opportunity to reinvent work is palpable and exciting if we will only participate in that reinvention. How do we maintain balance and be effective? How do we include everyone in the well-being conversation? What if “getting back to normal” is the exact wrong focus at the moment?
Many companies and organizations are experimenting. Business Networking International, BNI for short, was an exclusively in-person weekly meeting designed to build referral partnerships that help each other build their businesses. In the first month of the pandemic, they moved everything on-line through Zoom within 2 weeks! Light on their feet, they continued to have meetings for the past 2 years, inventing a slide deck, new training modules, and new ways to engage that all kept chapter members safe, engaged, and excited. Now that the pandemic is turning towards an Endemic, they are experimenting with chapters being all on-line, all in-person, or a hybrid model. And every step of the way they have surveyed members to be certain they can hear what is working or not.
This ability to roll with the circumstances and stay true to the culture and mission of the organization is a great model for the future.
They include all voices, move swiftly, maintain education to help people make the turn, and recognize star members over and over and over again. They are generous with their time and resources. And they encourage people to stay engaged while having fun.
The only access to being creative is in deeply knowing and respecting what you intuitively know needs to shift. Now is NOT the time to indulge in insecurity! We must stay in touch with all kinds of new ideas about how to keep this feeling of well-being and inspiration alive. When you allow yourself the freedom of peace of mind, more of the world opens up to you. Opportunities show up out of nowhere and ideas come tumbling forward into new thinking. That’s where the magic comes from. And it is essential as we move forward in this transitional time that we honor the feeling inside that we KNOW is right, and not let our scarcity of resources allow us to override that knowing. And we must not be paralyzed either.
Creatives know this place of knowing and not knowing and are much more comfortable not knowing, allowing the new to show up in its’ timing, not in someone else’s.
And keep your eyes open for kindred spirits who have found something new to unfold. Seeing the new come into being bolsters our own ability to breathe and watch wisdom bring something new forward.
Where do you see something new coming into being? Get interested in what they are doing! Join them if that inspires you. At the very least, let them know you notice their journey. And let me know about the new that you see around you.