Listening With The Heart

“If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving, and for once could do nothing,” Pablo Neruda wrote in his gorgeous ode to quietude, “perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves.”

I have had the privilege this week of spending time with two amazing people as they discover their true nature. They are visibly relaxing as they have a new understanding that they each have something they can hear and feel that no one else can. This allows them to understand and know themselves much more deeply.

The thought that we will never understand ourselves haunts most of us, so we anesthetize ourselves by working when we KNOW rest is called for, or by sedating ourselves with narcotics, alcohol, or any of the other things we reach for when we are frightened of being quiet. I remember when I was that way, and to tell the truth, I can fall into that even now in short bursts. The difference is, however, that I have ‘micro-practiced’ living from the superpower of calm often enough that my brain longs for that state, and becomes agitated when I live from distress.

The art of listening seems to be my way to practice. Recently, my beloved older dog, Miracle, has had a behavior change that is stressful for her and us. It is common for her to wake us up once during the night, needing to go out. (She has managed, genetic, kidney issues). However, suddenly she needed to go out 4 times a night, and would not settle down. The second night this occurred, I decided to sit on the couch near her living room apartment/crate and breathe with her, to see if she would settle.

I realized as I was breathing that I was listening to the situation not just with my ears, but with my heart. As she is an old dog (13.5 years old), I am aware of the fact that we will not have her for another 5 years, most likely. So, I know there may be physical changes that can cause her distress. I also know she has gotten some more fearful as she loses her eyesight slowly, as well as her hearing.

As I listened from an open heart, I could begin to ‘hear’ or feel wisdom pointing to things I might pay attention to.

I realized there were no physical symptoms during the day, and her distress sounded and felt like anxiety. I also realized that in the 15 minutes, I sat with her, she had become noticeably more relaxed and was beginning to go through her bedtime routine of cleaning her paws, then settling down and dropping into sleep. And she slept the rest of the night. We now have a protocol in place that has her sleeping closer to us (Not on the bed as it is too high for an old dog to jump up and down from). However, if she can hear us breathing deeply, she can relax.

Why tell this story? Because I notice that when I am willing to create a 15–20-minute pocket of solitude and listen, I am guided to notice things from my heart that give me clues on how to mentor and support my dogs, my clients, my business colleagues, and myself. The key is the quiet mind. Wisdom cannot be heard when we are noisy intellectually.

What if all the clues we need are right in front of us and it only takes us quieting down to hear them? It might be sort of like those missing glasses that you look all over for, only to find them where you first looked. Why couldn’t we see them the first time around? Our frustrated or anxious thinking blocked us from being guided to where they were.

Try this micro-practice and begin to appreciate the true power of listening from the heart. And let me know how it goes!

Ease Up and Fall into Who You Are

“It’s not what we do, it is falling into who we are” – Dicken Bettinger

February 2024

I remember feeling like if I just understood, I could live well.  Understanding would allow me to do the right things, and then I would finally be able to relax.  I remember distinctly where I was when I had a sudden, out-of-the-blue insight that life is DESIGNED to be enjoyed.  Wait, what?????

I’ve never gotten over that.  So, when I recently heard the quote above on a podcast, I almost instantly returned to the feeling of that long-ago insight.  And I realize why it is devastatingly tricky for human beings to let go and fall into who we are.  

You see, I spent years thinking I did not measure up.  With that thinking, why would it ever be a good idea to fall completely into not measuring up?  Here’s the thing, though.  That feeling of wonder we get from time to time, like recently when a Western Bluebird fluttered not 6 inches from my face, then flew down to my startled dogs, fluttered around them, then landed on the side mirror of a car I was standing next to, and then it was gone, that feeling of being instantly transported home, that is what it feels like to fall into who we are.  This notoriously shy bird had connected with us in a very personal way.  And I was instantly in a state of no thought, of awe, wonder, and deep love.  I had fallen into who I am.

That’s how we tell, by the way, by how it feels.  Your intellect can’t orchestrate this happening.  It is those startling or mysterious times when we are suddenly dropped into our hearts and out of our heads that we experience the vastness of creation energy.  And we long to be there, more and more.  But first, try giving up your critiques of yourself.  It is way easier to give up criticizing others, and even that seems hard. 

Try picking an hour, or day if you are brave, and let go of any thoughts about what is wrong with you.  Send them into the wind and let them continue moving through you.  Don’t invite them to stay.  Rumination is like inviting thoughts to tea.  For that brief time, free yourself of negative thinking and see if you can get a glimpse of what falling into who you are feels like.  I guarantee it is worth the practice.  The feeling is magical, peaceful, exhilarating, and creative, all at once.  Who knows?  You may be moved by who you are!

Successful New Year Planning

Welcome to the New Year! 

We are often so hopeful about the new year. We dream of how it will be even better than the old one and set goals to help that be so. And then, about this time in January, we begin to fade a bit or a lot, regarding our precision with those goals. Why is that? And what is to be done about that?

Successful New Year Planning

I once worked with a client who deeply regretted not accomplishing his goal of skiing with his adult son 30 times a year.  He was genuinely distressed and hoped we could help him be better at keeping his word to himself regarding his goals.  When asked how many times he DID ski with his son, he replied 27.  We were surprised, and curious.  When we delved deeper, he realized he was measuring the success of the goal by accomplishing it fully, not by registering what experience he was after that had him set the goal in the first place.  It turns out he had EXACTLY the experience he wanted to have with his son!

So, why do we set goals at all?  It might be to correct a habit, or to accomplish a project.  One question I have is, why set that goal in the first place?  How would completing that goal impact your life?

I’ve found through the years that what we are almost always after is an EXPERIENCE shift, wanting to feel more abundant, accomplished, peaceful, free…..you name it.  The power of aiming at the Experience we are after is much more impactful than accomplishing the goal.  Why?  Because the accomplishment of the goal does not promise you will have the experience you assume would happen upon achievement of that goal, darn it.

However, if you drill down and ask yourself to list the way you will experience life as you imagine the goal to have already been accomplished, you have a much more powerful stabilizing force for the next 6 – 12 months.

For example, I have several clients who have set goals to be in a new relationship this year.  When we drill down to what accomplishing that goal would feel like, it is usually something like Belonging, Peace of Mind, Connection, etc.  These are all things we feel in our body; it is not an intellectual thing at all.

When we then take the top three experiences on our list, we can aim every decision in our lives at having MORE of those experiences, not less.  For instance, you might choose a movie by asking yourself, will this movie allow me to feel more like I belong, or less?  More at peace or less?  More connected or less?  How about choosing a restaurant?  The same questions might have you choose differently and have a much better experience. (I used to LOVE PF Chang’s food.  However, wanting the experience of wonderful taste sensations, and relaxation, had me decide to go elsewhere as they were always swamped, and very noisy!)

This approach also takes the pressure off the goals you might still set.  If they begin to seem less interesting, it might be that you have not yet figured out how to aim towards them while also having the experience you want to have.  That is a great learning point.  What if you COULD work differently on the goal?  Or what if it was not the right goal at all?

Let me know how it goes.  My clients find this approach to be at first confusing, like learning a new language, then they often notice they are experiencing more and more of what they are aimed at, and life is overall more satisfying.

The Illusion of Obligation

Think about it for a moment. Reflect on something you feel you should be doing and have not. Can you feel the tightness in your chest?

Notice how your breathing changes. That physiological change is not good for you, and not good for whomever you are doing the task for. A small but mighty trick of the mind could give you back so much peace of mind, inspiration, and relief, it just might be worth trying.

I remember where I was when I first questioned should and have tos, and then gave them up. I was scheduled to work at my pet store one Sunday, and had been notified that the other two staff people who were scheduled to work that day were ill. I got there early to help feed and water over 500 animals, birds and fish, only to discover it was just me that day. Yikes! And Sunday was often one of our busiest days.


I was so resentful, and so stressed that I just stood still inside the locked door of my store. I realized that working from obligation (should), and resentment, was going to wear me out, and was not much fun. Yet I could not seem to have my mind settle on any other way to work. So, I decided at that moment that I would do no work in the store that day until I came up with another place to work FROM.

It took me about 10 minutes, and then suddenly I realized those little beings were hungry, thirsty and their containers needed cleaning. And I wanted them to thrive in my store, not suffer. So, I spent the morning making sure they were delighted to be there! They not only got fed, but I had a playful attitude the entire time.


When I opened the store to the public that day, I explained that I was it, and asked for patience. We all had so much fun that day, figuring out how to make it all work. And I’ve never forgotten that day.


What was the trick? Being unwilling to work unless I could find a purpose behind that work. My clients often tell me, yes, but then so much would not get done. Maybe, but when we work from being pulled towards our work, rather than pushed into it, we have so much more energy, and we find new and creative approaches that revolutionize our moods and the work.


Try it and let me know what you find. Here are some places to notice sneaky obligation:
I HAVE to buy just the right gift for that person
If I don’t do this perfectly, something bad will happen.
If I don’t do this, who will?
I was assigned this task. Now what?
In all cases, reflecting on the WHY of these tasks will give you wisdom and insight on how to complete them, or renegotiate them. And your body will thank you for the new sense of wonder and calm that you discover.

Ghost Stories

I have noticed many times when people are telling me how they are doing, they drift into what I refer to as Ghost Stories.

These are hauntings, the way most of them are told.  We tell the stories so easily it is hard to see that we are stuck inside of a ghost story of our own telling.

For instance, I had a ghost story I was telling about one of my dogs that she was suffering under my care.  I was certain that my busy schedule was not allowing her to have the time she needs to learn to be a relaxed companion dog.  (Ghost story, but I did not recognize it!) And I was fretting about it.  When I spoke with an experienced trainer, she told me she was probably born to be a performance dog and does not do relaxed!  What she recommended was 3-minute training sessions teaching her tricks and games each night right before bed.  That has worked like a charm. She is now the same bouncy dog but I am more light-hearted about it and she really looks forward to our nightly game play.  The ghost story is gone, and I am more relaxed. (She gets a 2-plus mile walk 6 days a week with her pack!) Ghost stories are stories about the past or worries about the future.  Mavis Karns in It’s That Simple, wrote:

“Worry is the learned habit of frightening ourselves with our own imagination.”

Who do you know who tells a story about their past or future that does not bring a warm feeling with it?  I spoke with someone yesterday in the throws of a relationship breakup.  She had so many stories about her former partner, and she also thought there was something wrong with her.  When we let the emotion pass through, which it is designed to do, what we began to see was if the story were told neutrally, there was insight available.  Nothing wrong with either of them, other than they temporarily lost their minds with each other.  And it is a relationship that might need to be complete.  Catching the ghost story allows us to recover more quickly, and to see what is the true nature of things.

Kids are masters at imagination. They invent realities all the time, and then live inside of them.  I distinctly remember weaving tales in my bedroom as a child, enjoying my ability to create the feeling I wanted my plastic horses and I to have in the adventure I invented for us.  The problem with imagination is sometimes we forget we made it all up!  The delightful vignette below, from the book, Being Human, by Amy Johnson, is one of my favorites.  

 

WILLOW AND BUDDHA”

My girl Willow has the most active imagination of anyone I’ve ever met.  She’s three, by the way.

She will make up scenarios with details that would blow your mind.  I have no clue where she gets this stuff.

She’s not only great at crafting stories, she also has the incredible ability to set aside reality and dive into her tales as if they were absolutely true.

This morning she was on my bed; Buddha, our Zen-like, seven-pound Yorkie was lying on the floor.

I asked Willow to jump off the bed and follow me downstairs for breakfast.  She looked at Buddha and in a very dramatic, damsel-in-distress voice, said,” But I’m scared of Buddha, she’s going to get me! Nooo, Buddha, nooo!”

(Buddha, not amused, looked at me as if to say, “This again?  Am I supposed to growl and nip at her feet or can I go back to sleep?”)

I suggested to Willow that she hop in her hot air balloon and float over Buddha to get downstairs safely.  (She often travels by hot air balloon.)  Then I went downstairs and left her to figure it out.

Five minutes later I was downstairs and Willow wasn’t.  She was crying on the bed.

“Come down!”

“I can’t.  I’m afraid of Buddha!” she cried, sounding honestly afraid.

She wasn’t playing anymore.  Or, more accurately, she forgot she was playing.  She made up a story in her head and was so immersed in it that she forgot she invented it.

I went up to get her.  Her face was soaked with real tears and she looked terrified.  Of a sleepy seven-pound dog named Buddha.

I reminded her that she was only playing a game where she pretended to be afraid of Buddha. That she wasn’t really afraid.  After a few moments, her face lit up and a huge smile appeared.

I said, “You forgot that you were playing a make-believe game, didn’t you?”  She laughed and said, “I’m silly!”

She is silly, but she is also a lot like you and me.  She gets so wrapped up in her own thinking that she forgets that she is the one who invented it.

The Operating System for Being Human

Have you ever thought about how much we do not know about the operating system on our phone?  Occasionally, I randomly discover a new feature of the phone (Like I can measure distances with it.  Who knew?) and am delighted.  I can streamline my usage of the phone and make wiser choices about how I use it.

The Operating System for Being Human

The same thing is true for human beings.  It turns out there is an ‘operating system’ for being human, just like there is in our phone, or for that matter, all of our technology.  And just as for technology, we do not come with a manual either!  Yet the relief, fresh thinking, energy, and creativity that is available when we align with any operating system is amazing.

 

For instance, we are designed to feel what we think about.  Think about that for a moment.  Something happens, and how we think about it is how we understand it.  And how we feel in the moment.  Those memories from the past that we talk about?  How we talk about those memories makes all the difference to our quality of life.  If we tell the story from the point of view that we were victimized, we immediately feel revictimized again.  If we tell the same story more neutrally, or from a fresh perspective, we often find we now can see things differently, without changing any of the circumstances.

This recently happened to me.  I accidentally found a mass on my old dog Carmel at exactly the same time she seemed to be in some new physical distress.  I assumed (thought) that the mass had everything to do with her distress.  For 24 hours we were taking her to see what we could do about the mass, and the answers were grim.  On my drive to the vet to pick her up from testing, I was distraught about the thought of finally losing my old friend. 

Suddenly, I had the thought that maybe the mass and her symptoms had nothing to do with each other.  So, on the way home after picking her up, I stopped at her regular vet who could do a urinalysis and we found that the distress was from an infection in her urinary tract, not from the mass.  We had another 6 weeks with our almost 15-year-old Carmel, during which time she was pain-free until the last day. 

New thinking, new options.  That is how the operating system works. 

When we align with that operating system, our lives are different than when we innocently interfere with that system, and believe what we think.  Any time you are struggling or in distress, consider that the root cause of the distress is not outside of you, but is in how you are thinking about the circumstances.  Every time. This is not about changing your thinking, but rather noticing that the operating system is based on how thought works, and we were not taught about how thought works. 

Our experience of life comes from the inside out, not the outside in.  Changing circumstances seems to be how to have the experience we want to have.  (If I just had more money, weighed less, had a partner who loved me, had the right job, boss…it is endless and exhausting.) Rather, can I catch when my thinking is messing with me and let it go by.  Thought is always in motion, so letting it go by is easier than it seems.  Why it seems to stay around all the time is we keep inviting it to tea!

There is an old Chines proverb that goes something like this:

You can’t control the birds that fly over your head, but you can control which ones nest in your hair.

For this month, notice how much you invite thoughts to stay in your guest room, or come for dinner, and how those thoughts are not necessarily the ones you would choose to have around all the time!  Then breathe, and brush them away so new, refreshing and wise thinking can come to stay.

The Power of Neutral Language

I have noticed recently how much I want to label things that upset me. 

They are mean.  I am a mess.  It was not fair.  The list could fill an entire single-spaced page!  And if I am aware, I can also suddenly feel how my body has tightened up, and how my breathing has become shallower.  I might even be clenching my jaw.  Yikes!

Often, we know our stories make us feel worse, not better, but we seem powerless to do anything differently for all kinds of reasons.  Maybe we feel like we need to get justice.  Or maybe we do not want to let them hurt us again.  What are some of the other reasons we might hold on to stories like these?

The Power of Neutral Language

Please take a moment and recall something that recently caused you frustration, anger, or insecurity.  Notice how your body feels, and how your mind feels.  OK, that is enough of that!  

Now, please recall something that recently had you experience awe, or joy, or appreciation.  Notice now how your body feels, and how your mind feels.  Interesting, right?  You have just tapped into how the mind works to help you navigate back to innate well-being, resilience, and creativity.  What was the difference? What are you focused on?  And yes, it really is that simple.

Why does that work so effortlessly to return you to a nice feeling?  Please return to the lovely experience you recalled.  You might notice that your heart feels full, or very open.  An open heart is our natural state.  When we focus on things that are judgmental, our hearts slam shut.  And that is like clogging a pipeline to wisdom, creativity, and fresh thinking.

I would like to suggest an exploration. Try telling that judgmental story but with completely neutral language.  For instance, if someone says, “People who litter are so selfish,” what is a neutral way to say that, a way that includes all the circumstances that were noticed?  It might be something like, wow, I wonder what is going on in their lives that has them so distracted they would drop trash on the ground?  Can you feel the difference?  

Or when someone says, I was depressed this morning.  Upon reflection, when asked, the neutral version was, I was not ready for prime time this morning.  Same circumstances, less noisy energy around the words.

What we speak is what we feel. 

This is important for several reasons.  The first is strictly biological.  What we speak is what we feel.  The second is, when I label something with venomous words, my poor body has stress hormones dumped into the system that tightens everything up and prepares me for fight or flight.  Our world has ramped up opinions so much that we float in a sea of those hormones most of the time.  Once we begin to explore describing our life more neutrally, we relax, our hearts open again, and we breathe more deeply, allowing our body to return to homeostasis, giving us access to wise choices and that wonderful fresh thinking.  

By the way, this is not about coming up with a new story.  This is about residing below the toxic noise that our judgments of ourselves and others create.  In that place, below the noise, there is just openheartedness, and a feeling of following what wants to happen, with no judgment.  

Change is Constant; So Is Design

It has been a whirlwind month around here.

It has been a whirlwind month around here.  As I have been navigating through all the transitions, I came across a quote from an interview with Whit Missildine, creator of the podcast “This is Actually Happening” which stopped me in my tracks with its simplicity and wisdom.  Whit’s podcast has people who have had unbelievable things happen to them, telling their stories in their own voices and with their own words.  One woman, whose 11-year-old son was struck by lightning and killed, was asked, “How did you get through this?” and she answered, “I didn’t make it through. I became the person that could make it through.”

As I sat with that amazing insight, I realized two things.  She was on to something about versions of ourselves shifting to address the circumstances we find ourselves in, and yet, there is always something that comes through these transitional shifts that is recognizable to ourselves and others. 

 

Change is Constant; So Is Design

 


Several of my friends and clients are dealing with losses, some of the beloved family members, and others of beloved pets.

Several of my friends and clients are dealing with losses, some of the beloved family members, and others of beloved pets.  In all cases, the grief seems to threaten to consume them.  And yet, as I watch, and weep with them, and support them as I can, I can see a slow turning towards who they need to be to come through this.  And so far, those turnings mirror who I know them to be by Design

What do I mean by Design?  I mean, there is a true nature, a uniqueness that each of us is born with, that is at the heart of our lives. 

What do I mean by Design?  I mean, there is a true nature, a uniqueness that each of us is born with, that is at the heart of our lives.  The more we align with this purpose, the more satisfying and effective our lives are.  Transitions of all kinds can look like we are losing ourselves and our lives.  We desperately want that sense of ease and autopilot back.  We want that cuddle with our pet; we want to hold the hand of our loved one again.  And even though we know that is not possible, we long for it.  And often everything looks hard.  And yet, the unfamiliar is not necessarily hard!

There is no normal. 

As we come out of the lockdown phase of Covid, many people seem to want things to be back to normal.  There is no normal.  There is only the opportunity to rebuild creatively and wisely into a future we cannot see.  And we have the opportunity to look forward to who can weather the transition, and welcome that person as our selves.

Gratitude/Appreciation Walks

I have been practicing the art of keeping my heart open recently.  Our natural state is open-hearted, yet we often close it off and do not even notice.  

The smallest things can trigger it to close.  While I am writing this, my phone signals I have a text and my heart closes.  Early this morning we had a 5.2 earthquake at 3:19 AM, in the Sierras, and my Shake Alert alarm blasted me out of bed.  Closed heart for sure!


Why do I always do my gratitude walks? 

I have found a simple practice that allows my heart to be more and more open, and when done daily is like exercise for keeping the heart open.  I call this my Gratitude walk, or my Appreciation Walk.  I head out early in the morning, somewhere between 6:00 and 6:30 AM, with several of my dogs.  My job is to make sure they enjoy their walk, and I find something that takes my breath away and brings me a sense of wonder, gratefulness, or beauty.  Even when I am kind of grumpy starting out, I often am surprised and delighted by what I notice. 

 Gratitude/Appreciation Walks

The other day, about half-way through my walk, I turned the corner and was stunned to see a gorgeous rainbow that stretched from one side of the neighborhood to the other!  And I felt my heart open. Or I am walking on the sidewalk of the busiest street in my neighborhood and suddenly see a six-foot row of fuchsia-colored Irises at eye level.  Wow!

Even on the days I can’t seem to open my heart at all, I will be taken over by a sense of belonging and gratitude at the tiny, lovely spaces my neighbors often work hard to encourage.  Like the miniature English Garden that pops up after a rainy winter.  Or the young squirrel who is so enthralled by the food he has found that he never notices the human and the three terriers coming upon him.  (We silently crossed to the other side of the street so as not to disturb him or her.)

Tune in to your heart.  It is designed to be open.

So, tune in to your heart.  It is designed to be open.  And it closes at the drop of a hat.  Notice how that feels also.  Then practice opening and closing the heart, opening and closing the heart.  As you practice you will suddenly notice that your heart’s muscle tone has improved, and when you are startled or frustrated suddenly, you have another move that might just allow the heart to open back up much more quickly.

Insights and Seeds

Insights and Seeds —  Insights are just like the seeds that have been dormant and now finally have the room to come to life.

As I was walking this morning with my beloved Norfolk Terriers, I was overcome by the beauty in this gorgeous Easter morning. Spring has erupted with wildflowers and weeds, causing a riot of color, beauty and a greener green than I knew existed. All the rain we have had seems to have had things some alive in a new and powerful way.

It occurred to me during the walk that insights are just like the seeds that have been dormant and now finally have the room to come to life.

The energy that orchestrates all of that is awesome, by the way, and a deep mystery that can only be seen, not understood!  In my life, I have found that if I give ROOM to a new insight, let it take hold and show me something new, my life will gently change without any ‘doing’ energy.  I am reminded with a smile on my face about a garden my family planted for my 40th birthday years ago.  I was recovering from surgery, and all I wanted was something to watch grow.

So, they pulled weeds, tilled and amended the soil, prepared the plan, and planted seeds that would grow into some of the best melons, corn, carrots and Sunflowers I have ever experienced.  One of our friends participating in this garden project had two small sons, maybe 2 and 4 years old.  I will never forget the 2-year-old watching the sunflower seeds being planted, and then spending the rest of the day squatting right near the row, waiting for them to come up.  He could not understand the germination period occurs underground!

Insights and Seeds

It reminds me of my own impatience about an insight.

I want the results of that insight RIGHT NOW!  And if it does not happen, I often dismiss the insight as weak, or unimportant, and forget about it.  The thing is, it never really forgets about me.  It may be days, months or years later that I ‘suddenly’ see the insight in full bloom as it helps orchestrate my life to be wiser and more creative.  And then sometimes the insight is ready to blossom immediately.  I recently was in conversation with a group of beloved friends and clients and realized I had let go of dreaming (the day kind, not nighttime dreaming).  I had become so focused on making sure my work was done, the house work and cooking was kept up, and my study and research was done that I never even missing having dreams.  Just noticing that seemed to have a powerful effect on all of us, and since then even though I have not actively set a ‘time’ to dream, my life seems roomier, more relaxed, and more creative. Plus, the work is more satisfying and deeper somehow.  Interesting, right?  I only needed to notice the insight then stay open to its message for life to somehow be more delightful.

There is a certain feeling that comes with those insights

So, go forth into Spring, and notice an insight this week.  They happen all the time, and are sometimes marked by, “Aha!”, or “Hmmmm, that is interesting….”.  There is a certain feeling that comes with those insights.  Let that roll through you and then just observe. And let me know what you discover!