The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Years ago, I was newly married (well, five years of newly married) and we were not doing well. I had taken to calling them the first fateful five years. We were certain the other person was the problem, and kindness was hard to come by.
I was studying Lent at the time of this story, specifically because I never could figure out why Lent was considered such a powerful Christian tool. I distinctly remember where I was standing in my home office, pacing about while trying to come up with something to ‘give up’ for Lent that would actually mean something to me.

I had a sudden realization which I would now call an Insight….I thought my husband was psychotic. That realization rocked me to my core. How could I, a successful coach, be in a relationship with someone who was psychotic? And so, I chose in that moment to give up thinking my husband was psychotic, for Lent.
I know, weird, right? I just had a hunch it might be worth doing.

I did not tell my husband of my project over the next 40 days. The first day was awful as I could not interact with the poor man in any capacity without the thought, well, you know, he is psychotic. I would patiently, and sometime irritably start over with a clean slate, asking myself, if he were not psychotic, how would this go? The first week was miserable, but the second week began to be more tolerable, and by the third week I was actually enjoying my husband in a way I had not done for years. The appreciation was back, I was grateful we were together, and I felt a deep love for him again. I could NOT understand what had happened.

I spent the next 40 days after Lent thinking our issues were all my fault, which again plunged me into a dark and horrible place, another story that was not helping me have peace of mind in my marriage. By the way, he was amazed, and said he thought the last several months had been the best in our entire marriage. So, I had to confess to the experiment I was running, and how sorry I was for thinking about him that way.

Fast forward another 30 plus years, and we are not only still married but, despite our differences, say to each other at least 3-4 times a week, “Another day in Paradise with you!” Ours is one of the best marriages I know of. What I learned way back then is that we will believe any story we tell ourselves. It’s just that many of them are not good for us. Since there are many, many ways to think about everything, I recommend you take the stories you tell very lightly, and assume they are not true, especially if they are causing you to struggle. If you catch yourself struggling, go for a walk, take 10 deep breaths, clear your mind and see if there is a way to hold the circumstances in a way that gives you a sense of peace, curiosity or interest.

So what happened? By accident, I began to tell a different story about who my husband is/was. And that made all the difference. It launched my career, teaching clients and organizations how thought works, and how the operating system for being human works. I say that one insight saved my marriage, my career and my life, all at once.