Belonging and Co-creation

Many of my friends, clients and colleagues have a difficult time being part of a relationship, team, or family. Never mind a country. We find ourselves resentful or keeping score, or we feel we just don’t belong. I heard an interview with John Powell in January, and one of his quotes I cannot get out of my mind. He said, “There is no belonging without co-creation.” I was familiar with this term in business, but he was pointing to it in relationship and teams. Hmmmm, I thought.

 

My husband and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary this month. And I could tell that much of what has shifted through all those years is we have gracefully (most of the time) slid towards what I can now see is co-creation. I used to think that if Tim would just see things as I did, his life would be easier, and we would have a more peaceful marriage. How come it did not seem to ever go that way? I knew we both wanted to belong more deeply, and yet we seemed to irritate each other all the time!

My idea of co-creation was, I bring my good idea and make sure the others see it clearly. Then I listen as deeply as possible to their good ideas and one of us will see the light and shift. Nope, that is NOT co-creation, which is why not only does it not seem to work, it is annoying.

The story of our anniversary trip illustrates my point. In August of 2023, I mentioned to Tim that I would love to go back to Yosemite and the Ahwahnee Hotel for our 40th. We were married there and just loved our visit there. We agreed, and I made reservations for the Presidential Suite for August 2024. (That took almost 3 weeks to accomplish, getting the right dates and times.) Fast forward to June of 2024, and I fractured vertebrae and ribs. It soon became clear we were not going to be able to go, due to my glacially slow recovery. I took another week to reschedule for March of 2025, and we were finally set.

Then, in mid-February, Tim sat me down and told me he was dreading going on the trip. I immediately noticed I had several different reactions. One was, are you kidding me? After all that work to plan it? The other was, huh, I wonder what he sees that I do not? And then I realized that I was apprehensive myself. What if it snowed? Would we want to drive 4.5 hours in the snow? I am 98% recovered, but what about taking walks in the morning? Would we be able to feel safe?

So, I listened, and as Tim spoke about his concerns, I felt myself relaxing. I finally said to him, let’s find another place to go that excites both of us! He began the research and found a place in Mendocino that sounded perfect. It was not a re-creation of our wedding trip. It was a new adventure! And both of us only cared that we felt celebrated for our journey together. Everything else we could work out together.

You know what? It was a model of co-creation. Once I gave up how it should be, and once he gave up disappointing me, our hearts were free to design something that would allow us to relax, cherish each other, and feel special.

It is giving up how it should be that opens the possibility of something so much greater coming from what two or more can imagine. It was an unforgettable trip, and a perfect model of co- creation. We are still in wonder about it all these days later.

And here is the kicker. It DID snow in Yosemite on the dates we chose, and the park is in chaos due to the government firings at National Parks. It was better all the way around the way it ultimately turned out.