How Can They Possibly Think That?
How can they possibly think that?
I cannot tell you the number of times I have thought that or heard someone say that.
The outrage, frustration, and confusion feel real, right? And if I give voice to those feelings, oh, do things get worse!
There is a hidden clue right in that outrage, that thought, that could save a lot of trouble. When we are outraged at something, it means we think how we see things is right, and how “they” see things is at best misguided and at worse, just wrong.
Lately, when I catch myself in this thought storm, I pause to let the outrage go by, then do my best to listen for what THEY see, not for how wrong they are.
I ask an open-ended question (questions you could not possibly know the answer to), and I listen. And what do you know? Many times, not all, the emotional conflict often softens or goes away completely, and a deeper connection can be felt.
What’s the trick?
The trick is to remember this. The eyes with which I view the world have my own unique lens, which gives me the illusion that what I see is real. When I see something as real, and others behave in a way that contradicts that reality, I only have limited choices as I consider them and their actions. Either there must be something WRONG with them, or heavens, there must be something wrong with me. Neither of those perspectives is comforting or stabilizing. Therefore, we get paralyzed and confused.
However, when we consider that the other, be it, a spouse, child, pet, or professional, must be looking at a world I do not see, suddenly there is room to consider the situation through fresh eyes. I have found a sudden clarity, and with that clarity often comes new insight on how to move forward successfully with the relationship.
My biggest teachers
Since my dogs teach me many things, let me recount a story involving them. I love our morning walks, three terriers and me, early morning, often in the dark or at dawn, appreciating the beauty of our neighborhood. We have learned to navigate other dogs and people and generally have a great walk. However, in late Fall and Early Winter, the Oak trees in my area drop Acorns and Acorn Caps, which my dogs LOVE to scarf up, then digest in awful ways. It was a constant and unhappy battle to keep them from snuffling up all those tasty morsels. Suddenly one morning I remember that terriers LOVE games, so I let them snarf one up, then immediately taught them to spit it out for a tasty morsel of string cheese. They were more than willing! And it is adorable and makes me laugh. So now when we walk, we play the Spit game, to the amusement of on-lookers and all of us. When I remembered how they view the world, I had new, fun, and creative thinking available rather than frustration. My walks have settled back down, and we are the talk of the neighborhood.
As Julia Dahr says,
“The way that you reach people is by finding common ground. It’s by separating ideas from identity and being genuinely open to persuasion.”
And just like any muscle, this ability can be strengthened with practice.