New Year’s Reflections

New Year’s Reflections

This is the time of year I often wish I could do something differently in my life. Maybe it is to eat less sugar, or spend more time with my dogs, or finally be able to see a Basketball Game at the new Chase Center in SF with my husband. Behind those things is an assumption that doing those things will relieve some pressure or cause some feeling. I just happen to know that what I want to do is actually not remotely related to what I long to feel.
So, this year I decided to notice my longings during the holiday break. I did not dismiss them or be bothered by them, I just reflected on them as they came up. And something truly remarkable began to happen. Instead of the holidays being hectic, I had distinct moments of joy and gratitude pop up! And I could tell I was noticing things differently, through the lens of my longings. I didn’t really even name the longings, but rather noticed when I was feeling a way I liked, or was touched by, or inspired by. Having my attention on what I was feeling allowed me to remember that a deep feeling of well-being is innate to us as human beings. But for our thinking we would feel wonderful all the time.
When my nephew and sisters invited me to go to IKEA with them, my first reaction was, yikes, that place is huge, I am recovering from a broken foot, I won’t enjoy it. And then I remembered the longings and said yes. It was amazing watching my nephew explore how to best enhance his new home, and how my twin was so excited about how to downsize from a 1,111 sq ft home to a 610 sq ft home as she moves back to California into a lovely home in Pacific Grove.
I sat when I needed to, allowing me to observe the multi-national people shopping at IKEA, many of whom are quite clearly new to the area, and delighted. I was instantly grateful for the international flavor of our area, and how relaxed people were about the differences.
We decided to eat at the IKEA cafeteria, something I had not done before. Instead of worrying about if they would have food for my plant-based diet, I just enjoyed being with my family, allowing life to some to me rather than have to control any of it. And what I discovered was yes, they had plant-based food (mediocre but fun), and that the biggest adventure was standing in line to order our lunch, noticing there was only one piece of chocolate cake left which my nephew desperately wanted, and having it be there when we ordered his lunch. Pure Joy! And I didn’t even eat it!
Towards the end of that trip, my twin and I gave out, laughing that we were now the Old Folks of the family. We found a place to sit as my younger sister checked out, and again I experienced a closeness with my sisters that I could not have orchestrated, yet that I longed for.
Finally, throughout the season, I was moved to tears by the music and light and generosity of the season. Yes, all the things that are coming apart in our country were still coming apart. And yet, I could refocus and allow the longings to lead, giving me one of the sweetest holiday seasons I can remember.
As Sydney Banks said,

“We are searching for our home grounds. We’re searching to find the way home. And to find the way home, what we have to do is look at everything in reverse, because naturally if you’re away from home, if you keep walking you walk further away. To find home you’ve got to turn around. You have got to go the opposite direction and instead of searching outside for the answer you seek; all you do is turn around and look inside. And there lie the secrets that you want.”