Disinformation and Why it Sticks Around

May 25, 2022

Disinformation and Why it Sticks AroundMany of us are dealing with disinformation.  We have family members who are strident about a belief we think is insane.  Our politics are at the breaking point due to the taking of sides about what is true and what is not.  Rather than dissect all of that, I am curious about why this is happening in the first place.

My investigation into the cultural impact of pandemics makes this an interesting topic for me.  And being an avid sports fan, I began to see something that fascinates me.  I know from my long history of being a sports fan that fandom is a deep, cultural deal for many people.  We root for our team, we deny there is any team better than ours (they were lucky!), and we love our team even when they are struggling.  People become violent with others who root for another team, and families can get torn apart by which side you root for.

The pandemic isolation caused many of us to form pods of information with friends, commentators, and news outlets making sure the reports and conversations fit into the current conversations in those pods.  It has become a sort of weird belonging, believing what our peers are believing.  And it feels wonderful to be fighting a large, invisible enemy, together with our pod.  The problem is, the need to belong is essential to human nature.  So having people even consider that what we believe might not be true shakes us so deeply we dismiss the idea out of hand.

What is the fix for this?

No more isolation, for sure.  It is at this very divided point that we must figure out how to connect, not divide.  Can we understand their point of view, beyond the rhetoric?  Can we love them for the part of them that is lovely? (Everyone has a lovely or charming part!) Can we be open enough to offer belonging on a broader scale so that people don’t have to choose sides?  This is the secret to all good relationships, by the way.  There is no such thing as someone we always agree with, or who is perfect.  We must make room for differences of opinion to be neutral, not so charged.  And we must make room for mistakes to be forgivable, not deadly.

One of the most amazing experiments in this approach to difference and disinformation is with gangs.  Gangs offer belonging at a high cost, but when it is the only place offering belonging, there are many takers.  And what one gang belongs to is not remotely what another gang belongs to.  The penalty for making a mistake about that is often death.

Over the past 30 years, Father Greg Boyle has transformed thousands of lives through his work as founder of Homeboy Industries, the largest and most successful gang-intervention program in the world.  With Kinship as the mission, Homeboy offers belonging to all who would join the community.  They enter a world where they work side by side with their rivals, and learn that kinship supersedes gang rules.  And they relax.  The transformative power of tenderness is proof in this long-term community that the power of our hearts might be the only thing that can dispel disinformation.

Try this experiment

So, as you go forth, try this experiment.  Give up judging and criticism for one day a week.  You don’t have to agree, just be neutral and curious.  Be tender first.  And don’t take anything they say to you personally.  You may find that the rigidity around us begins to soften, and that your own confidence increases.  Wouldn’t that be lovely?  And try having some compassion for how deeply people long to belong together.  And see if you can invent new ways for that to happen.

If you want to know more about Homeboy Industries, please go to their website.  I also highly recommend the books authored by Father Greg Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart, Barking to the Choir, and The Whole Language.  Each is more spectacular than the next, and your heart will swell at the model of humanity at its very best.

If you like this blog, please visit my other articles here.

What if There is Nothing Wrong with You?

February 25, 2022
What if There is Nothing Wrong with You?

I’ve had the privilege of meeting new clients regularly this year, and often what comes up is something they want to ‘fix’ about themselves. As we begin to reflect and listen deeply, it fairly soon becomes apparent that the thing they have been told was wrong with them all these years, is actually related to their true source of power. For instance, a young man has not only been tagging buildings in France, but has been filming himself doing it! The remarkable thing is, he seemed unable to quit, and in fact started getting more and more creative in his ‘art’.

Fast forward and he is now a world-famous artist, bringing new perspectives to places all over the world that are stuck, or where people are struggling with poverty or violence. More about that later.

As we begin to understand ourselves and each other as being built for something unique, we may begin to understand the nature of where we struggle, and why. When I was young, I could not stay away from dogs. It drove my mom nuts. And here I am well into my life and dogs have taught me almost everything important that I know in my heart. I intuitively ‘get’ dogs, and always have. I’ve made my living from them, been coached by them, and loved them.

Yet I was told often that if I was serious about coaching, I should give up all this dog business. The common-sense notion was I needed to maintain a complete focus on coaching to be successful. I resisted that advice, and have thrived in my coaching, as well as my dog showing and grooming. My best stories and metaphors are insights I’ve received from my interactions and observations with dogs.

So, next time you are critical of yourself, ask yourself if this is something that might, in fact, be worth exploring rather than getting rid of. I’ve worked with clients who thought they were overly emotional, only to find out they could read the energy from a person or a room like they had ESP. Or someone for whom injustice can bring on physical illness, only to find out they are wired for fairness and inclusion. Try it. And in the meantime, please consider watching this link to a TED talk from the artist, JR, I referenced above. His art and his story are inspiring people all over the world, not just because it is beautiful, but because it causes us to change the narrative in places that are stuck. The longer version can be seen as a documentary on MSNBC called Paper and Glue.

https://www.nbc.com/paper-glue/video/paper-glue/8000005142

Documentary, 1 hour, 34 minutes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAy1zBtTbw,

Paper and Glue TED Talk, 24 minutes

Mercy and Compassion: For Ourselves First

I received a thought-provoking article recently on Mercy. I’ve not thought about mercy in a long while. It is an archaic word in our culture, yet so many of my acquaintances and clients struggle so mightily to do ‘what’s right’ in the world. Here’s the line that pulled me up short and got my attention:

“What we really need is to become mercy ourselves.” What does that even mean????

Mercy Article

Please click on the article to read more. It was brought to my attention by my dear friend and colleague, Debora McDermed-Peila, and Interfaith Minister, Spiritual Coach and former Business Coach to Fortune 100 companies. The article itself is part of a course on Spirituality being offered by Sister Joan Chittister, a radical, compassionate and edgy Benedictine Nun. Then let’s talk! This understanding may very well be how to finally have our focus be correctly placed so that we can relax and fulfill what is ours to fulfill.

Finding the balance point

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.”
Byron Katie

One of the most common things I overhear as I move through my day is what’s wrong.  Wrong with others, wrong with ourselves, wrong with what’s happening to us.  I love Byron Katie’s view of all of that.  What if we began to consider that all the circumstances that happen are part of honing us to be our best selves?  Can you imagine trusting life that much?

The blessing of aging is the ability to look back and see this to be true.  From THIS vantage point I can see that living life well is much like learning to ride a bike.  There’s a balance point for every human being, one that allows us to live well, with interest, compassion and ease, in the flow.  If you remember back to learning to ride a bike, there were falls along the way as we leaned too far in one direction, then over-compensated in the other.  It took practice and something intangible, like a sense of where the body was in space, to be able to master this balance thing.

Living life is like that as well.  What if the things and people around us are life’s way of helping us find our balance point.  Whoa, way too much to drink last night….OK, not doing that again.  Wow, doing what I love makes the time fly.  Great, let’s find work that feels like that!  Relationship woes?  How do TWO people find balance?  That’s a more interesting question than thinking there is something wrong with you, or them!

2015 is the year for learning to live from the inside out, to find that balance point.  If you imagine a channel between you and the wisdom of life that allows for life to guide you, the most important thing to do is keep that channel clear of debris and noise.  The more you can practice quieting your mind, even for 3 minutes a day, the more that muscle will strengthen, and the more normal that quiet mind will become.  Isn’t that worth 3 minutes of practice a day?

Just start by sitting.  Set a timer for 3 minutes, and just be.  Pretend your mind is a new puppy, and gently corral it if it wanders.  I like to come back to my breathing as a focal point.  If you try this for a week and like it, gradually increase the time to again strengthen the muscle of quiet mind.  And suddenly, what happens on the outside doesn’t overwhelm you quite as much.  And that balance point is easier and easier to locate.

I get overwhelmed, too!

I often come across as having it all together.  My clients and associates often think I have this amazing, care-free life.  Closer inspection would have you see otherwise!

Wednesday I was preparing for an early morning meeting (7 AM), and noticed my sweet 10 pound Norfolk Terrier was not feeling well. I was already reeling from news that my 9 year old dog has an inoperable mass, and now this!  Canceled my attendance at the meeting, spent 2 hours at the vet (and $700), came home, doctor’s appointment myself, drove home, 2 hour client, lunch at 3:00 PM…overwhelmed and near tears from worry about my dog (s) and not enough to eat!  The difference is I knew that I would re-balance as soon as I cleared some room in my schedule to stop and rest.

And that’s exactly what happened!  My understanding clients allowed me to reschedule the rest of the day, and I awoke the next morning refreshed and ready to go.  And my tiny dog was better as well!  What might have been days or weeks of worry about ‘letting people down’ or over-working to catch up became only 24 hours of frustration and upset, with the background certainty that my innate ability to heal was still operating if I would leave myself alone.

This is what an inside out life feels like, and looks like.  No miracles, just a perspective that gives different, healthier choices.